I don’t want to write any words
…when I’m on the downward side of this spiral, when I’m looking through a window that’s fogged over as if a cloud dropped and settled right there, right in my line of vision. I squint and I screw my face and I narrow my eyes and I try to wipe away the fog but it goes no where. It stays… blocking my view, obscuring my words. Coiling around the flow of courage, so tight. So tight it coils, trying to scare it off. So, I don’t want to write any words when this spiral is going down.
I don’t want to write any words
…that you’ll see and read and shake your head because you knew all along. You knew nothing good would ever come of that shitty first draft so you threw it away, there was nothing more to say.
But I crept in when you weren’t looking and I rummaged through your discarded waste and I pulled the words from the bottom of that barrel and I walked away. I walked away knowing I could revise this whole story, knowing I had far more control and far more ability to tell this story than any other person, even you. So, I don’t want to write any words that you’ll see.
I don’t want to write any words
… you’ll just read them and then you’ll talk about them and then a joke will be made and a smirk will be seen and an eyebrow will raise and high fives will be collected and I’ll find myself on the outside of the circle looking through you. But behind the look will be the thought. You’ll think about all the things that could be done from now on because we know we can’t ever go back and undo that tangled feeling that lodged itself in your gut every time I tried and — how — I — tried. No matter how many times I tell you about the better days all you’ll see is how clearly I look when I’m weak. So, I don’t want to write any words that you might read.
I don’t want to write any words
… but waiting is pointless. This feeling is hit and miss, maybe now maybe later. I’ll sit down and I’ll type the words and I’ll not want to but I will because in spite of all the shouldn’ts I’ve racked up, in spite of all the stupid button pressing, in spite of all the reasons I have to hide my face and tuck my tail and bury my body in the deepest cave… I’ll write these words because I can. I can. I can make you think and make you see and make you question every decision you made. I can. So, I don’t want to write any words when I should wait.
I don’t want to write any words
… but if I don’t they’ll just explode in the space of grayness that surrounds and knock me off my wobbly perch. Those words will keep pouring out of me in a steady flow of memories, moving so fast I can’t slow them down… no control. The mystery I keep trying to solve is me and these words are the only clues I have and each time I try to peek inside your world to see if any parts of me are there, you slap the curiosity so hard… so hard. So hard you slap but the curiosity just grows, it doesn’t stop. It doesn’t slow down. So, I don’t want to write any words that might explode in my face
— but they need me to…
So, I will.
Brilliant, my dear. This captures so many of the feelings I have know, and so many of the motivations and voices that spur me on. I have been writing 35+ years and have generally kept it all – in various boxes, in various media -because it is who I am. Do not stop writing. Do not listen to the critical voice in your head-not until you have the first draft done. The critical voice is for sprucing up only. Listen to my voice, Becky, keep writing: it is the best way to find yourself, it is better than therapy and when you croak your kids will love to know who you were. Also, keep writing because I love what you write and I love you. Best wishes, Mosk
Ahhh — I’m speechless. Really, you’re incredibly kind and supportive.
Every time I think, “hey, I’m not sure I’ve got anything else to say” is usually when all these words start to build up.
Thank you Mosk.
Maybe you’ll appreciate this (the opening poem of my first volume “I Hate Poetry: My Catalogue of Mistakes”)
Reading Instructions For My Wife
Honey
when you find these
words, remember
I am not glorifying
my ragged past,
I am merely documenting it
because if I don not write them
then the events go with me
to the great beyond
and the faces and names
and awkward positions
will not fit anywhere
So I must confess them here
and perhaps set them free
so all the pain
I ever endured or lavished
on the naive and trusting heart
will have not been suffered
in vain
the white hot anger
that gave birth to my
self-destruction and that I
sent stealthily into
others’ lives and hearts
masqueraded as ardor
or the beautifully pure
unblemished offering
I treated preciously
and the final heartsick sigh
as my youth slipped away and
I left my innocence
somewhere in Anaheim
in an apartment of someone
I didn’t even know
the silent agony at a
lover’s betrayal and failure
as the words run wildly
ideas faces and feelings
crash headlong into each other
in my memory
all these pieces demand
voice and meaning and
honor
all these moments
holy and profane
are mine
and they made me
and true to form
some parts are uglier than others
but
as you know
that’s who you married.
(Written 2005)
Wow!
This is wonderful.
I’m so happy you shared it here. Thank you.
Becky,
An excellent account of a familiar situation when faced with writing and faced with honesty, to ourselves. Clearing the mind and clearing the demons….
Eileen
Yes… Clearing those demons!
Thank you.
I like your words, “Let’s talk…it’s cheaper than therapy.” So true. I also second what Mosk has said. Keep writing your words. I sometimes have the feeling after I have written some words that perhaps I should not publish them, but I do. I take them for what they are, allow them to speak, allow them to live. Words can work miracles when they are allowed ‘out.’
Yes… words should be allowed out, thank you for the reminder.
Loved reading this. Appreciated the perspective and revealing nature, both of which are hard for many to share publicly. The feelings have to be familiar, in some way, to every writer/reader. Good to read you. Hope to do so more.
Thank you so much for finding me and for your kind words.
Whether we want to wrote or we don’t want to write them down, they’re always, always there just waiting and, refuse to go away, don’t they?
so, it’s best to get them out and get them down despite not wanting to because, you never know, if they will be the best thing you’ve ever written.
A really good read, thanks 🙂
Exactly. Thank you!
in spite of all the shouldn’ts you for I’ve racked up, in spite of all the stupid button pressing, in spite of all the reasons I have to hide my face and tuck my tail and bury my body in the deepest cave… I’ll write these words because I can. I can. I can make you think and make you see and make you question every decision
Oh, I rejoice in this because it speaks…it speaks so deeply to a place I find myself, time and tinny time again. Thank you for your beautiful honest voice.
Smiles to you!
This was what I wrote when I didn’t wan to but had to too!!
http://wordrustling.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/through-the-window-of-your-soul/
Thank you so much for this response… I often struggle with what might be considered self indulgence in my writing and what can speak to others, so thank you!
You’re so welcome, Becky!
This is very gripping writing, it got my full attention. I remember those years when the words just had to come out, when one is trying to figure things out, oneself and others………I love the repetition of the not wanting to write, with the barrage of words that could not be silenced. And the final lines – perfection. Great writing, kiddo! Dont ever stop.
Thank you. I so often become discouraged for one silly reason or another, thank you for your encouragement.
I’ve been here too. Your use of detail, repetition, and momentum really paints it well. Thanks.
Thank you. I think the not being able to stop the words from coming is something many of us experience… and that makes it better.
My friend,
Writing is a beautiful thing for many of us. You do it well…don’t stop!! Thanks for sharing.
writing is that compulsion that just wont stop…and i cant stop either they just spill out…def a nice use of repetition through out this…and you know…unleashing this its not a bad thing at all…smiles….
Thank you Brian. It’s kind of therapeutic to let the words spill out.
So many thoughts here that we have all had so many times. I think you write because you must–really, when I read your work–it is like if just flows out of you–this as well—keep writing–we all are richer for it.
Wow… I’m just so humbled by this. You are such an encouraging soul and I so appreciate your presence here.
I am in awe of your courage — and your words. And I am grateful you do not stem their flow. They need to be seen and felt and heard and known. We need your words.
Thank you so much… I think that’s the nicest thing anyone could ever say.. “we need your words”. Thank you.
This exploration of the way words grapple us, often making us wonder we control them or they us, is quite powerful. Its circular, repetitive motion creates a wonderful sound and melody, enriching the experience of having the words wind themselves out to some conclusion. I like the eay it ends, though I am still left wondering whether it is you talking to tourself or perhaps another who is so close to tou that they seem to be you.
Exactly!
I’m so glad you pointed that out. It was a little writing from another view point and my own view mixed together. Thank you.
loved all the words that you couldn’t write.. 🙂 -robinhttp://mysecretinnuendo.com/2012/05/29/covered-in-moss/
Thank you!
powerful way with words in thoughts.
🙂
Thank you for your encouragement. I so appreciate seeing you here!
So, I don’t want to write any words that might explode in my face….
love it
Thank you for reading and commenting! Love to see you here.
“I’ll find myself on the outside of the circle looking through you” Such a fascinating piece. I always feel this way because my love reads everything I write and it bothers the hell out of me. This line hit me like a rock in the back of the head. You are sensational.
Wow! I need to stop reading comments now because it can’t get better than this! Thank you Kay.
don’t you dare ever stop writing!!!
♥
Never. 😉
“The mystery I keep trying to solve is me and these words are the only clues I have” Glad you wrote through your fear and love this line. Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Thanks to you too!