Posts Tagged ‘weight loss’

I guess it’s fitting that right after I did a post on physical appearance and women being kind to one another and the quest for beauty and believing in yourself (you got all of that out of that post…right?) that I experienced a bit of a set back in my quest to be healthy and like myself. Here’s a bit of the sordid story:

It was a day like any other day… no, let’s start again!

I indulge my children, sometimes. I have changed their eating habits along with mine. We very rarely stop at a fast food restaurant, very seldom order pizza, whimsically go out for ice cream. Once in a while, I make brownies for them. I’ve been very good about staying away from such treats and enjoying just watching from the sidelines — it’s never bothered me to not indulge. I think that can be attributed to a certain amount of calm that I’ve been feeling as of late. But as we know, sometimes a storm follows a nice calm.

My storm came in the form of brownies. I decided to make brownies for my kids a few days ago. I actually was thinking about how good and chocolately they would taste just looking at the box. It was not necessarily the best time for me to be attempting to be so close to such a powerful drug as chocolate — I had been experiencing a bit of emotional stress. But, I found myself there, with the box of brownie mix in my hand — tempting fate, pretending that I was in control and wouldn’t try to fill the void with a nice treat.

It started with a quick taste of the batter, who can resist brownie batter? I kept telling myself that just a little indulgence would help me feel better, just a little indulgence would fill up that empty space, just a little indulgence. I managed to get the brownies into the oven and once they finished baking, I thought that adding just a touch of chocolate frosting while they were still hot would make them extra gooey — for the kids of course. So, I continued to pretend that I could work past my emotional void, that I wouldn’t need to fill that empty space with the ambivalent treat gloating at me from the kitchen counter.

Just a taste, I thought. Just a taste. My void after all, I needed to fill my void — I needed to feel.

So, I indulged in a brownie. And although you may say it was not that big of a deal — it is. It signifies a set back. It signifies a need to fill an emotional void that I was hoping would leave me in peace. It signifies a lack of self-control and a belief that I was in control. And, as usual when we attempt to fill a void instead of face the issue head on — it meant I had to start over.

Starting over is hard. It wears you down. It wears those around you down.

I attempted, as I so often do, to correct the wrong… to wipe out the mistake — the only way I know how now, my treadmill. I put on my exercise clothes, filled up my water bottles, and climbed on for a much-needed therapeutic 6 miles. I think correcting our mistakes is necessary. I think recognizing our weaknesses is necessary. I think starting over is necessary. I hope I don’t need to start over many more times… I hope I don’t have to say oops too often… I hope.

I can’t decide what I love more — the haunting melody of this song, the incredibly poetic lyrics of this song, or the amazing video for this song — you tell me, okay?

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I have struggled with my weight for 20 years or so. For reasons that I’m not going to delve into here, I gained quite a bit of weight during a 15 year span — 80 pounds to be exact (give or take depending on the day, the craving, the emotional turmoil). I’m betting that many of you are shaking your heads and whispering, “me too” at this moment. We are women.

It astounds me to hear women, that by all outward appearances are physically perfect, complain about their looks, their weight, their need to change something about their person. But… we are women. By nature, we are seemingly predestined for a life of wondering if we are physically good enough.

Too fat.

Too thin.

Too tall.

Too short.

Hair too straight.

Hair too curly.

Eyelashes too short.


I’ve tried every diet plan known. The only thing I hadn’t tried up until a few months ago… learning to like myself. A new concept and not one that has come without diving into my own faults and weaknesses — I think we, as women, are programmed to recognize positivities in other women. We are programmed to see beauty and intelligence and bravery in other women but we have a hard time recognizing it in ourselves. Self-awareness is hard… yet vital.

So, a few months ago I announced to a few friends via the internet that I was going to get healthy (something about announcing an endeavor like losing weight to a bunch of people keeps you accountable). I immediately started a yoga practice thinking it would help clear my thoughts and sort through some things that were burdening my world. Yoga is not an easy exercise. It is not about meditating and lying still and “kumbaya”. It is a workout — one I had trouble making it all the way through when I first started. I also dusted off my year old treadmill and climbed aboard. Finally, and hardest of all, I changed the way I thought about food. This being the hardest because, I think, as women we turn to outside sources to help feed the need that seems to be vacant within our own worlds. Learning to look at food differently meant I had to learn to look at myself… just look at myself. I didn’t do this alone. I reached out to some complete strangers (including a littlefluffycat) and some close friends.

It has been seven months since I started taking control of myself and trying to know what it feels like to like me.  I now do my yoga practice everyday, I walk on the treadmill 6 miles a day, I throw in a few other workouts here and there as time permits or my emotions need it, and I eat healthy. I have lost around 50 pounds. I would like to lose about 40 more. I recently had pictures taken with my kids and there are a couple that I think will look nicely here on the blog (soon). I guess that’s part of the “learning to like myself” thing.

I think that we, as women, have a tremendous power to heal each other and ourselves. We have the power to remind each other that we should like ourselves. We have the power to be good to each other and to say to each other that we are okay and we are not alone.

Watch This!

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