Reflections

She stares in the mirror trying to see it,

… reflections of the girl they all know.

Trying to see what they all say they can see.

She looks deep into her own eyes, nothing.

Just brown… there, in the reflection.

As if there were any more ordinary unassuming color than “just brown”.

She sees nothing.

Her reflection is clouded.

She slowly scans upward to her brow, nothing… still.

She lowers her gaze to her left cheek, just below her eye, nothing… still.

A reflection she can’t see,

A beauty she doesn’t know.

A life she can’t feel.

A small beauty mark, that’s not it, she’s sure of that. Her mouth, maybe her mouth. She looks intently at it in the mirror, her smile… she has a nice smile. She sees it, but it’s not what makes her special. It’s not what they all say they see in her.

What they see is beyond her skin,

beyond her “just brown” eyes,

beyond her obscured beauty mark.

Still, she can’t see it.

She panics, a little.

She squints.

She wants to see her reflection.

 She questions the realness of it… of her.

She blurs her gaze, looking straight through the mirror, keeping her eyes just out of focus — maybe now she can see it. She sees what she always sees — a little girl running away but from nothing to nothing. The same thing every time.

A chase, but she’s never caught.

An enemy, but she never see’s.

The safety, but she never reaches it.

But it’s there… in her reflection.

They all can see it…

and for now, that’s enough.

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And I Waited

… and I waited.

I believed and I had faith.

I allowed time and distance.

I took my life back.

But still, nothing.

And I watched a little of my dignity walk away.

… and I waited.

I said don’t worry about a response.

I yelled, “bring on the rain!”

I dared myself to move.

But still, nothing.

And I watched a little of my dignity walk away.

… and I waited.

I worked and I read and I thought.

I organized and I pondered and I ran.

I looked for approval less and less.

But still, nothing.

And I watched a little of my dignity walk away.

… and I waited.

I tried to make sense of the words that had been said.

I tried to make myself understand that it wasn’t real.

I held my breath and I jumped.

But still, nothing.

And I watched a little of my dignity walk away.

… and I waited.

I thought the written words said it all.

I thought the actions would soon follow.

I thought, yes, complicated us.

But still, nothing.

And I watched a little of my dignity walk away.

… and I waited.

I began to realize that words are just that.

I began to realize that saying and doing are different.

I started holding up the mirror.

But still, nothing.

And I watched a little of my dignity walk away.

… and I waited.

Each day I waited.

Each day I believed.

Each day I hoped.

Each day I wished.

Each day I had faith.

Each day I pushed away.

Each day I screamed, “please look!”

Each day I reached out.

Each day I waited for you to open your eyes and see.

But still, nothing.

And now…

I’m not waiting.

I’m lifting myself up off the floor.

My life is now.

And I’m catching up to my dignity.

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