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Posts Tagged ‘clarity’

Where am I now?

… looking around at the soul unfinished, seeking out the answers yet to come, learning to swim along the jagged edges, wishing this part in the middle would be as glorious as that part I know is waiting at the end, writing a story whose ending is mine, living a life whose heartbeat is mine, looking through cloudy eyes.

Where am I now?

… sitting in the middle of a bed, my feelings scattered all around me, letting go of the I think I’m crazies, hanging on to the edge of the grey colored messes, gold sparkly glue binding my thoughts, wading into the deep end, standing under the waterfall, looking at a shooting star, wishing to see what I already have, writing the words that will make it all clear.

Where I am now?

… driving in my car from place to place, waiting each week for the safety net, reaching out to you, wondering how I fit in, taking control of a runaway train, laughing at the distant thunder, perched on a sled waiting for the snow, throwing the leaves just to see where they land, walking a trail that may not end, staring out the window, pushing the pedal to see how fast it will go, settling the hell down.

Where am I now?

… abundantly distracted by the wiggling of my own toes.

Where am I now?

… feeling my way through the murky water.

Where am I now?

… trusting in the silence.

Where am I now?

… following my smile out the door.

Where am I now?

… here.

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Some days, feels my soul has left my body
Feel I’m floating high above me
Like I’m looking down upon me

Start sinking, every time I get to thinking
It’s easier to keep on moving
Never stop to let the truth in

Sometimes I feel like a little lost child
Sometimes I feel like the chosen one
Sometimes I wanna shout out ’til everything goes quiet
Sometimes I wonder why I was ever born ~~~ Keane

It’s been a strange week. To tell you the truth… it’s been a strange 9 months — it’s been a strange 2010. Some wild, wonderful, beautiful, scary, embarrassing, near the edge of sanity things have happened. Some I’ve shared… most I’ll keep locked in the vault for all eternity.

Two conversations I had this week — two completely polar opposite conversations that I had with two women I respect — I believe summed up these 9 months. The first conversation was angry and scary and cut me deep — something it needed to do. Someone who forced me to look at myself and take notice. The second conversation was warm and enlightening and heartfelt and held me close — something it needed to do. Again, someone who forced me to look at myself and take notice.

And then a message from a friend, as if she was hearing my thoughts, at the most perfect time — “so I turned myself to face me”. I kept that David Bowie inspired message… and turned to face me. Not always pretty. Not always easy. Not always simple or pleasant or filled with light. Sometimes the darkness brings us the most clarity.

I guess it would be unfair if I wrote a post about facing ourselves and then didn’t include some of the not so perky (and some perky) things I see when I look at myself (especially since I’m about to ask you to play along). When I turned myself to face me I saw many different things:

  • A damn good mother
  • A damn good teacher
  • A friend to most
  • A little girl lost
  • A spite filled woman
  • An attention seeker
  • An attention avoider
  • A writer
  • A hack
  • A protagonist
  • An isolationist
  • A confrontationalist
  • A passive aggressive mouse
  • A woman with a pretty good life — to take notice, to participate in, to embrace

So I’m turning myself to face me — the scariest thing I think any of us could ever do. And, I’m realizing it’s not an adventure I can take on my own. I’ve reached out to those who can reach back — too late to avoid ill-will, too late for redemption, too late for most anything… except me. I think it’s just in time for me. What do you see, when you turn yourself to face you?

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