i am recklessly guiding words on to this page, forcing them to infiltrate the battle lines in my mind, there are bombs bursting and gunfire and screams and taunts and snarls and the worst kind of laughter, i see it coming from you but you’re not even aware of my visions and neither am i, really, the scenes are choppy and scattered and out of sequence, there is no logic and yet i sit here and write them down and assemble this puzzle and look so hard at the words racing through my tired brain for that logic but it’s a blur, all of it, i wish i could will myself to believe the words, to grab them and shove them deep into my pockets so i can pull them out when i need them but they’re so slippery, those logical words are so slippery, so when i reach my hand in to grab hold of the logic the only words that i can pull out are all those words i wish would disappear, all those words cling to my sweating skin and i can’t shake them off, i try so hard, i violently twist like a dog emerging from a muddy lake but they are so sticky, these words,
i tremble
i cry
i toss
i pace
i write
i seek
…clarity, but all that bubbles up is the muck and mire of yesterday’s troubles,
release me
and let me go, walk away and give me room to grow,
stay
oh god please stay and be my friend, please let me be a second chance, please let it be about me, i am wilting
watch
i am fighting to fill my lungs
i am continuing
i am becoming
I am beautifully fucked up, i am breathing in deep and exhaling slow and steady, i am organizing my mind and calming my soul and i am here, sitting, watching, but not waiting, i am releasing these words on to this page and the battles are fading into the back of my thoughts and i can breathe, in and out, i can breathe and calm my thoughts to get these words on this page and walk away triumphantly leaving these pieces of me behind
i can go
i can go
i can go
see me
see me
see me
Becky Brewster
I'm a mother of three,
I write, I learn, I teach, I begin again, I am awake and unafraid... I am becoming.Top Posts
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First Pages
Oh, the places I go…
First Pages 
You really showed the reader how words can bubble within a person, not always in order, not always making sense; but they bubble nonetheless. Giving birth to them isn’t always easy. The trembling, the crying. But it is worth it. We are all becoming. Poems become. You become. I see you. In your words! Keep writing.
Thank you Mary. It is a “bubbling” isn’t it? Not necessarily a huge tremor, but more likely many bubbles.
“I am beautifully fucked up” which is a great part of your allure (for me) as that is how I describe myself. I applaud you also in search of the authentic, true self. Yes, I’ve had these internal monologues before as well, which is which my poems all come out like twisted poemonologues. The writing is my one act of continuity that I’ve allowed myself. It has saved me, befriended me, amused me and ultimately helped define me (at least, to myself). Continue your courageous search for not only who you are, but also for who you’ll be. I loved this stream-of-consciousness poem very much. Big love sent your way, Mosk
Thanks Mosk.
This was most definitely a steam of thought. I usually take a few days or sometimes months to feel like a poem is ready– this one just spewed and I edited very little.
very beautifully captured internal battle…loved reading it
Thank you!
It’s a battle I think we all fight, internally, against ourselves.
The sense of scope and drama in this is really impressive – it’s dense and gravid but not overwritten.
Thank you.
I’m honored by your comment.
i am beautifully fucked up…ha…that jumped right out at me…yes you are…as we all are….i love the struggle in this….birth is not easy and that is what we are about in the end…every day….
Yes… the struggle, the messes, the corrections. That’s it isn’t it?
Thank you Brian.
Wow-I loved this internal battle and the willingness to write it all down–how many times have I felt similarly??
Yay!
I love it when you feel the same things as me, we’re all connected.
Too true blue … talk is def cheaper than therapy … wish I’d thought of that first! š
Ha! Thanks.
An intimate personal conversation becomes poetry in your hands. Corralling your emotions and letting the precision of the words paint a canvas of confusion while you sort and make sense of it all..what a release!
Oh… thank you so much Gay. Your response to this is so meaningful to me.
wow — you amaze me. inspire me. grip me in your words and shake me up
Great write!
Thank you Louise!
You make me feel so calm and good about the things I put on paper.
Happy thoughts of a lovely day in medium kind of life….. Well, maybe not so happy but, then again, yeah……… not so medium, but….. wait, this day is not lovely – it is just beautifully fucked up! š — You have a lovely vivacity, young Ms. Becky Sain! And that, as you say in your bio, is about it. Keep this up!
Becky, as usual you show an incredible strength. The inner battle is strong and you are thrown about by a mighty wind, but you come out of it stronger and you come to the realization that there will always be such storms, but each storm is only an opportunity for you to become stronger.
I probably got it wrong, but this is what came into my mind as I read this most excellent piece. Be blessed!
http://elizena-lovingmycreator.blogspot.com/2012/09/hearts-harvest.html
Yes!
Perfect!
I love your interpretation, it’s what I was hoping to say.
Thank you.
The best is that the momentum was there and I read it all š
Keep it up
Cheers
Dawn
Thank you!
My heart was racing while I wrote this, but then I felt a release when I was done.
With your style, you should write a thriller!
Hmmm … a thriller huh?
Okay! š
Thanks for reading.
Wow, you really struck a chord with me with this one – shows perfectly how we can become enslaved by the tide of our thoughts…
Yes, exactly.
I think it’s important that we recognize our stories but we shouldn’t get caught up in those stories, you know? Live it as it is, as it comes.
I now want a T-shirt that says “I am beautifully fucked up.” Love this, Becky.
you embodied that feeling of your heart racing in the words and the reader can feel the rush, the build up, the tension… and then release “i can go” but still the universal human need “see me” ~ your writing always draws me in, b. you are simply brilliant in your amazing ability to make us feel, not just read, your words.
your poetry is stunning, but i do miss the occasional essay about some moment in your childhood. {smile}
Love you, girl! ā„
Thank you do much Dani. I think, sometimes lately, the poems are masking those prose about my life. It’s hard to separate the two. š
honesty is good for a better rounded life.
Thank you for reading.