Why can’t I tell my daughter she’s pretty?
Will that make her believe her sole worth is tied up in the beauty I see in her face? Will it ensure that she develops an eating disorder or a personality complex or make her vain or narcissistic? Will my name come up all too often in future therapy sessions because I told her she was pretty and that somehow manifested itself into me being a mother who put too much importance on her physical looks?
I was shopping for clothes at the local second-hand store with my kids and had two simultaneous realizations that… I suppose, are very much related.
My oldest daughter (who will be 16 in a few weeks), was drawn immediately to the rows of shorts — micro-mini-shorts. I said, “no”, without so much as a look in her direction. Then, her logic hit me… with overwhelming force, as most teenage logic does.
She stared deep into my eyes and asked, “do you think I’m a slut if I wear short shorts?”
“No!”, I vehemently denied, without hesitation.
Of course I don’t think my daughter is a slut… what I was thinking about was if others would think she was a slut. The visions of Rush Limbaugh that floated through my mind at that very moment sickened me.
Her words stopped me from traveling down a path that too many use as an excuse to defile girls… it made me remember this post I read a while ago about the amazing Eve Ensler. Our clothes and our looks should not define how we are treated by others… but often, it does.
This realization hit me like an elephant kicking me in the gut… how easy it was for me, a strong-willed-out-spoken-independent woman to fall into the trap of blame and shame.
My other realization was with my youngest daughter (8). She is, in childhood terms, chubby. I’ve been watching her gain weight the last couple of years… I changed her diet, began telling her the importance of eating fruits and vegetables, cut back on the high calorie meals, and cut out visits to fast food restaurants. Still, she steadily has gained weight. Her clothes are too long in length in order to get them to fit the waist. I worry and plan and worry some more.
Let me not fail to mention my son (13) — he went through a couple of years of chubby and now is thin… maybe too thin. I read an article on the growing number of boys affected by eating disorders. So, now I have my girls and my boy to consider with each word and glance and misplaced sigh of disapproval that escapes my body. I have to make a conscious effort to not fall into that trap of societal pressure — am I complimenting their brains enough, am I telling them how nice they are enough, am I encouraging their creative talents… enough?
So, here I am, in the middle of the consignment shop being questioned by my oldest as to if I think she is a slut for wearing certain types of clothes, ruminating about the food that I should and shouldn’t allow my youngest to eat, and wondering if I should be concerned about my son’s weight loss.
My horror at myself came when I grasped the uncomfortable fact that I was concerned about the perception of others… in some cases people I didn’t even know and probably wouldn’t want to know. I was concerned about how all of this would look reflected on me as a mother.
Later that day, when the stress was far behind and we had all retreated to our corners of the house, I googled “the best way to help your child eat healthy”. The first thing that popped up, surprisingly, was a direct answer to that question — “the best way to ensure your children make healthy choices in life is to let them see you make healthy choices”.
Okay.
Great.
Somehow it always rolls back around to being the mothers fault.
Now I realized I needed to focus attention away from my worries about the kids and look at myself… never a fun task. I had been eating healthy for over a year, my kids don’t even ask to go to fast food restaurants anymore, we have salads and fruits and lean meats. My oldest and I are currently practicing pescetarianism… the other two aren’t far behind. But, admittedly, I’ve been lacking on a steady exercise routine — this is where I needed to focus my change.
Last week I read an article about an article… I haven’t read the original article that seems to have pissed so many off. It’s in the April issue of Vogue and purchasing Vogue isn’t on my budgeted list. The original article by Dara-Lynn Weiss, talks about how she put her 7-year-old daughter on a diet. My dismay (along with others, I’m sure) is the way she went about it. In her own account, she talks about berating her daughter in public and focusing most of their private conversations around her daughters need to lose weight… I did mention she was 7, right?
I’m thinking Mrs. Weiss’ name will come up in future therapy sessions way more often then mine.
But… here’s the thing.
I think my youngest daughter is pretty and I do tell her this, often… physically attractive. I tell her I see her beauty in her mouth and her nose and her eyes that always pierce straight through to my soul. I see her beauty in the way she laughs and cries and screams and flashes those looks of contentment. I also think I need to show her how to be healthy by being consistently healthy myself — not by putting her on a diet or ridiculing her in public.
I think my oldest daughter is amazingly gorgeous — long and lean and silky hair and eyes that are a color that hasn’t been named yet. I tell her this often. She is also a brilliant reader and writer, an amazingly focused student, kind, and funny, and just the perfect amount of smartass to round her out. And I don’t think she dresses like a slut, I’m not even sure what a slut dresses like… a suit and tie, micro shorts, dread locks? I don’t know. And, I’m glad she stopped me as I ventured down a path that pisses me off when I hear others venturing down it — what we wear does not define who we are nor does it invite unwanted advances or unwanted criticism.
And my son… he’s absolutely adorable — long hair, long eyelashes, a smile that makes girls faint. I tell him how cute he is all the time. I tell him how kind he is all the time, almost saint like really. He’s smart and funny and laughs loud enough to catch a whole room on fire with his charm.
So, will they need therapy when they’re older — possibly.
Will they blame a mother who focused all her attention on their outward appearance — hell no.
Back to the article… I’m not necessarily counted in the “backlash” group. I’m not sure there’s an “I concur” group related to this but I’m sure I wouldn’t belong to it either. I’m just a mother who learned from the mistakes of my past and my mothers past and her mothers past. I’m a mother who thinks my kids are attractive and smart and kind and funny — the order of those changes, as it should.
My children, like your’s, are beautiful and have great hair and gorgeous smiles and enough intelligence to take-over the solar system and enough kindness in their souls to warm the Grinch’s icy heart.
I may think I’m shaping them into the adults they will become… but, really, they’re shaping me into the mother I will become.
Why can’t I tell my daughter she’s pretty?
Absolutely astounding, as always. Well written, Becky.
Thank you Katie!
Very thoughtful post… my first reaction is to say “slow down – stop trying to take responsibility for a million things out of your control.” But you are right -setting a good example is key, and I hate looking at myself as well (figuratively and literally).
I have two daughters (19 and 15) and they are both beautiful, and I tell them. They need to hear it as often as necessary as there is a whole wide world out there waiting to criticize the hell out of them. Not from Pop-o. They *know* Pop-o thinks they’re beautiful. It’s hard though. My 15 year old won’t even look at herself in the mirror. I understand. For years I had trouble accepting what I looked like and it was when I was 39 that a light came on.
Keep loving your kids. Don’t worry too much about what you think your influence on them is – chances are, you are influencing them in many ways that you don’t even know, and sadly not making a dent in places where you want to influence. Just keep loving them, so they know they can always come to you.
Here’s the test: are your kids the center of your universe? If so, then you’re doing it as best as you can.
One parent to another, Buddah Moskowitz
Well… I’m not sure the kids are the center of my universe. That may sound awful but my point is… I spent many years serving as taxi, bank, cheerleader, cook, maid, etc. Everything that happened in my life revolved around my children — and I disappeared. This may be more of a mother thing. But, to show my love for my kids is, I think, to show them that I am a person outside of being their mother. Otherwise, what do my girls learn? And what kind of partner would my son end up with?
I love my children more than stars in the sky, but I’m a person too.
Also… thank you Buddah!
Good point. I just remember when I became a father and husband (all in one day) I read something by Calvin Trillin would wrote something to the effect that good parents understand that their children are the center of their lives, either that or you’re probably not so good as a parent. I took his advice to heart and while its caused me to be chauffer, fixer, cook, butler, school project consultant, math homework guru, computer repairman, etc. I have had moments of teeth-gritting resentment. But I knew it’d be temporary, Now my 21 and 19 y.o. are up and their own people and I have more time for this kind of fun! I agree, they need to see you’re a real person, but I also wanted to show my son that husbands don’t leave because the self-sacrifice is too great, and I wanted to show my daughters that they deserve a husband that is always there to help with EVERYthing, up to and including buying your wives and daughters tampons and pads at 11pm at the all-night Wal-Mart if needed. Yes, you’re a person too – a damned talented one, at that! 🙂 thanks Beckeleh
This is a wonderful and thoughtful message. Your kids are lucky to have you for a mom.
Frankly, my mother always worried about how things would look to others. It was always what others would think. That was what hurt the most.
Now that she is gone after 63 years of this, I am just beginning to sort out why I make decisions realizing that she put the “what others think” solidly in my head and self talk. It is difficult to fight it.
There is a great deal of discussion today on clothing and how people perceive you because of what you wear. We all need to be rid of that voice in our head.
Way to go, Becky!
Thank you Tricia. Yes… that’s my point, I think. We have to let our kids know that they are more than just one aspect of themselves… they are an eclectic ball of evolution.
Your mother and my mother sound like they were separated at birth. 😉
Thank you!!
Becky – you blew me away, as you always do. This issue is something I have been dealing with over the last couple of years with my beautiful (inside and outside) daughter who is already battling a slight weight problem. I am trying as hard as I can to set the example – I eat healthier than ever and exercise as much as I can. I have lost 40 pounds in the last 9 months. I don’t buy the junk food like I did but I allow occasional “treats”. As someone who has battled her weight for the last 20 years, I do not want my daughter to face that agony. I tell her that the numbers on the scale are NOT what is important. Being healthy is what matters. As you are well aware, this is a topic that a mother could go on and on about. Others have made her believe she needs to diet and to lose weight. It infuriates me. And I counter by making sure she knows that her beauty is much more than skin deep.
I also have found myself fighting the short shorts battle. And after reading what you wrote, I realized that it truly is more of a worry about what others will think than it is anything else.
So, I’ll stop droning on and just say thanks, I needed that today!
Jennifer
Thank you Jennifer.
I think, as mothers, we do relate differently to our children. It’s a fine line between letting our kids express themselves as they need to and us being worried about society.
I think the healthy thing will work its way out as long as we stick to our good choices.
Way to go you on the weight loss!!!!!
I’ve started wondering exactly the same thing and my daughter is only three and a half months. I tell her she’s gorgeous, then I can hear a voice in my head say, ‘AND mention smart, you don’t want her to have self belief solely based on her appearance’. My mother was beautiful, but certainly was no supermodel and growing up I never saw or heard her picking at faults in herself. If there is one thing my mother gave me it is unwavering self belief, I can only hope that I can give the same to my daughter. Minus the high expectations!
That is an amazing gift your mother gave you — one most people spend a lifetime trying to achieve.
I think, because of your mother, you will embed that same quality in your daughter. You sound like an amazing mother and woman.
Thank you!
I love how you appreciate the beauty in each of your children! I’m sure they will know it and be grateful (if not now, then later). Don’t forget the roll of the DNA dice plays a part in their build and appearance. We mothers can only be guides and coaches, not gods. Your kids sound wonderful, and I already know you are. Hugs, Louise
Aww — I wish you could see my smile, thank you.
You’re right… It’s so important that our kids see us as people with interests all to ourselves — not super women.
I think these comments have sparked another blog post all together — I like it when that happens.
🙂
Wow, Becky. This is amazing, how you can let go like this and share all of these thoughts.
I (also) personally dislike people who judge based on what others are wearing. Yet, too often I find myself asking my mother if she thinks my top is too slutty… I know it isn’t. I know all too well I never follow trends, I buy second hand clothes and nothing I wear made its way into my closet because of what others think of it. And yet…
*hugs* my dear friend!
Exactly, right?
I get so mad and self-righteous then realize I’m doing the same.
It’s so hard to define that line with our kids.
It’s an interesting topic, one is like to see explored more.
Thank you!!
Hugs.
When I was in high school, we had a motivational speaker come speak to the entire junior class. It was mostly the same “believe in yourself” mantras that we’d been hearing, but there was one line that’s always stuck with me. He said, “I have four daughters, and I tell them everyday that they are beautiful and that I will love them forever. I do this so that whether the world tries to either affirm or refute that, they can stand tall and say ‘my daddy tells me that everyday- you’re going to have to do better.’ ” To me, that father was doing it right. He was giving his girls confidence in their appearances, but backing it up with a message of support.
Great story! Yes… Exactly. xo
Try being the mother of an adult child with mental/emotional/psychiatric issues. Every time they go to a therapist or a counselor or seek any sort of help you will be put on trial all over again. Every one of the professionals will peer deeply in to that child’s past and rehash their growing and developing years to try to understand where these problems originated. My child tells me I was the best. The greatest Mom and that I am still their best friend. Then WHY are they so messed up? I told that child of their beauty their intelligence their talent nearly every day and still they cannot deal with humans or live a normal life. Was it something *I* did or did not do, or is it brain chemistry and hormones and shitty genetics? I will never know, just as I will never know what all those mental health professionals have heard about me or thought about me all these years. I do know that I still feel like it is all my fault.
Chubby/skinny kids can be fixed, don’t worry so much! YOU are a wonderful mother!
I really love this comment, it goes even further into this subject. And yes, as a daughter of a mental health therapist I know that chemical imbalances can absolutely cause uncontrollable emotions. Chemical imbalances obscure so much.
I get the very good feeling that you were and are a great mother.
But, unfortunately, as with Weiss, sometimes it is our fault as parents. Luckily, there are more mothers like you and me.
Any problem a child has is overwhelmingly important in that moment — chubby, chemical imbalance. In the end, we have to support our kids.
Thank you so much for being here!
you def are shaping them…as i am my boys….and i think that they are often sold an image of what pretty is that is completely false…the trick is in teaching it to them without sounding trite or..i def think that there is great room for conversation and exploring in these moments…
Thanks Brian.
Yes… you’re right, if we are trite or condescending to our kids they will shut us out.
I am not a mother but was still able to relate to all the thoughts you expressed in this post. Mother’s worry, it shows that they care. I think you’re doing a great job and that your kids will turn out just fine with the kind of love and attention you seem to give them. :0)
I’m not a mother but the way that you worry about your kids shows just how much you love them. Sounds like you’re doing a pretty good job to me.
Thank you Kathryn! I think doing it right or doing it wrong is very fluid and intertwined.
Thank you my friend.
I’m not a parent…but I felt the angst and questioning that must come with that “job”–I suspect your children are most blessed and know they are loved. I’ve struggled with my weight for much of my life. When I was very young, I didn’t eat enough. My mom actually made me a ceramic bowl and on the bottom wrote “You did it.” Then I overate and they put me on a diet when I was about 9. Then it was years of yo-yo dieting. Now, because of the side effects of meds, I can’t gain weight. I believe the less attention we pay to weight, the more to health, the better it will be for all. Blessings, Becky.
I think the relationship between mother and daughter is so complex and often complicated… add to that the pressure that (I feel) women have in our society to be a certain way or act a certain way.
Thank you for this Victoria. xoxo
too many voices to listen to… follow your heart… love them, as you’re doing, and give them the “why” answer as best as you can… there is always, “because I love you and that’s what God wants me to do”… and then they exercise their wings and fall… pick them up and love them some more… I’m the mother of 3 growth home schooled boys… your writing is a great way to ease the tension… and this too shall pass
I love this comment for so many reasons — thank you so very much!
it’s interesting. one time, when my older son was in the stroller, we were in the mall, and someone stopped and said that he was gorgeous, even better looking than her baby girl, and that was weird to hear.
Yes… I would imagine it was weird to hear. We all think our kids are the best at everything — well, except this woman.
Thank you!
ugh
I have 3 girls, one who is 16. She wants to wear short shorts and tank tops and tight jeans. I hate actiing like an old school, parochial dad. It’s not HER I’m worried about. It’s the rat bastard boys looking at her.
I tell my girl they’re beautiful every day, several times. My wife and I compromise of the clothes they wear so we can show trust and respect to them.
I have no answers Becky, just know I’m here in support, spirit and if you need a drinking buddy.
Just to be clear… I never turn down an invitation for a drinking buddy. xoxo
Thank you Lance! You have many answers, by the way.
Yeah getting anyone past that image that is portrayed to sell crap and movies can be a bit tough. Plus you don’t want to seem like a nag, but at that same time it is good to nag, just has to be a balance I guess.
It IS a huge balance, but I think it’s not nagging if we show our kids (in my case) how to make positive choices.
Thank you my rhyming friend!
i think parenting today is MUCH harder than when i was raising my daughter ~ the internet and social media {particularly facebook} have brought peer pressure right into one’s home, as if it wasn’t bad enough just having it in school. i am terrified for my grandchildren and worry about the stresses on my daughter trying to keep her children safe and healthy and happy.
and you are doing it times three! i think you’re a wonderful mother, Becky. i’m not saying you’ll never make mistakes but that’s only because you’re human. one thing i know for CERTAIN ~ your children will ALWAYS know you love them!
*big sparkly squishy hugs*
♥
thank you Dani, parenting is often very difficult but fulfilling in the end.