I’ve been sitting on these thoughts for about a year now… a year because I didn’t think I could put my thoughts to paper clear enough to be read and understood. Then I decided, yes… I could. An indication of what a difference a year can make in the evolution of a person.
I recently read a post over at Zebra Sounds and the author made the comment that we are “complicated beings”. I thought to myself, “Right?, Please explain it to me.” I think you really have no idea how complicated we are as humans unless you take the time to try to figure yourself out — to understand your own evolution, as women, as mothers, as daughters, as friends — the friendship of a woman is like no other. I’ve been making a conscious effort to figure a few things out this year. I think to say the last three years of my life have been stressful would be the understatement of the century. I knew where I was emotionally was not where I wanted or needed to be, but, I was stuck… unable to move forward. Stuck is scary.
I had a friend who mentioned therapy, she thought, maybe, I should try it (I was, admittedly, holding her captive in the rabbit hole with me) — I scoffed… not me, never. This friend said she thought I was one of the bravest people she knew and asking for help would just be one more example of my bravery. I didn’t really believe her, I should have. But I was stuck.
My world crashed.
I was not only stuck but lost.
I needed help.
There were a few days last September that completely rattled me, tossed me around like a kite in a tsunami. I was thrashing about, confused, disoriented, struggling to stay afloat when I could feel the tug of the under current dragging me down — but you would never have known, you would never have suspected.
I am a woman.
I am a mother.
I am skilled at the fine art of outward appearances.
When I say there are things I don’t really remember, it rattles me even more. But, thanks to google, I discovered that memory loss or memory confusion is a by-product of stress and anxiety — not an excuse for ill-behavior, just an explanation for a rational being having irrational behavior.
I think to try to describe depression would be too difficult, there aren’t enough words to paint a picture of the truly eery poetic thoughts and feelings that swirl around — it all makes sense, it’s so clear — the storms are beautiful. Then, the sun comes up and you see the illogical process of your thoughts and this continues… over and over, it continues. All the pieces fall into place and then they clang to the floor in a discombobulated mess of utter confusion… then, once again — clear.
All the while, you go to work and you drive the carpool and you pack lunches and you cook dinner and you have lunch with friends and you clean your house and you do the laundry because we are women, we are mothers, we are skilled at the fine art of outward appearances. This “thing” that had me in its grasp could not leave a smudge on my bubble.
I contacted a therapist… eeny meeny miny moe — that one will do, after all… I only wanted to pretend to seek assistance. I still didn’t think I needed help, I thought that if I went to therapy then I could steady myself enough to regain my shiny outward appearance — I, as sometimes happens, didn’t care about the turmoil on the inside. I was the only one privy to that information and I could handle anything. Several sessions went by, I did a lot of “uh huh”ing, a lot of head nods. I thought to myself that my therapist was really pretty and smart and compassionate and caring… she must be good for her clients, not me though. I was only here to get my outward appearance back —
I am a woman,
I am a mother,
I am skilled at the fine art of outward appearances.
A month went by, or two or five. I began to look forward to my sessions with my therapist, I began to trust her, I began to tell her the things I needed to tell her and I listened to what she had to say. I started to feel better. I slept… for the first time in several months, I slept. I started being honest with people, but mainly with myself. I started therapy for all the wrong reasons, because, when you suffer from stress and anxiety and depression, thinking clearly is not one of the benefits. But I continue my work because of the most important reason of all, me.
We are women.
We are mothers.
We are skilled at the fine art of outward appearances.
We are complicated beings. We mess up and we try to fix. We say the wrong things and we try to shove the words back into our mouths. We love and we let go. We laugh and we collapse under the weight of a shattered heart. We dream and we face reality. We hope… we hope that our hearts lead us back to the friends we’ve lost and lead us forward to those we have yet to meet. We hope the cracks let the love in. We believe in each other and we believe in ourselves. We are women. We are mothers. We are complicated beings — reaching out, holding on, surviving, loving, hoping. Hoping that we can guide each other past the murky water and the glass cage hearts, hoping you understand I’m a complicated being, shattering the outward appearance… reaching my hand out, hoping you’ll grasp it… again.
Because we are women,
we are mothers,
we are complicated beings.
hug
I know of the post at j’s Zebra Sounds. It hit me strong but different.
I have never had depression, but I am suffering from social anxiety disorder. What is inside your head (our heads) is real, monstrous, suffocating, and hard. Please know taht you are not alone. The people who know you and the people who read you want to appreciate and help.
Thank you for the little corner of the internet you provide for me to virtual hang with Becky.
Pleae be strong, please hang in there, please reach out.
Lance
Awww — thanks for the hugs, always welcome!
I think, for me, I’m actually doing great (with the help of a kickass therapist). I think, women have this hidden quality to keep things running smoothly when we really aren’t necessarily smooth.
Men probably have it too. I’m glad you’re sharing my corner of the webs Lance!
You are without a doubt one of the bravest people I know. My hand is always there for you. Love and hugs to you, my friend.
Julie
Thanks Julie — I’m not all that brave, I just think as women, we have an uncanny ability to make everything seem “fine” when maybe it’s not.
Miss you!
“the storms are beautiful” yes, they are, I enjoy swimming in them, I forget the misery, and revel in the words that are created by the madness. You clearly describe what I believe many of us experience. It can be so hard to ask for help. It can be so complicated & yet so simple, our being human, women, mothers. You’ve given me so much to ponder, thank you.
Thank you for pondering with me!
I’m so grateful for this comment.
I would put my name, but can’t. I suffer but I don’t have the support I know I need. When that black cloud descends, I try to act like it’s not there. My husband “won’t claim it exists”. He takes it personally, making it worse for me actually. It’s a lonely time, but I strive harder to look better until it passes. I pray that one say he’ll understand. When I get my health care back, I’ll have to go on my own to talk to someone. I have to. Your post reminds me there’s help. Thank you.
Thank you for stopping by, support IS out there… maybe not where we think you need it or where you think it should be, but the places it is will become your safe place.
Good luck to you!
Please stop back by.
Wow. You are amazing and brave. And now I am even more sad that I didn’t get to hug you.
I am so amazed you decided to go to therapy. I am glad you found a person that has helped you. Not always easy on the first try. Yay you!
Life is complicated. People are complicated. So much is complicated.
I just want to cheer for you!!!!!
I’ll take your cheers and your hugs!
I got very lucky on my quest which literally consisted of one email — I’m sure that’s not normal, but, I won’t question it.
I’m a believer in speaking with a neutral party about life issues. It can take the strain off of friendships and family relationships by having someone to talk to who is not personally involved. I’m proud of you for taking that step to find someone you can share with. I’ve had the same doctor for over 25 years and I can tell him things I can’t tell anyone else. He reassures me, gives me advice, and keeps me on an even keel when I start to wobble. Bringing depression out in open helps everyone Becky. I’m sure this wasn’t easy for you, but look at how you are reaching people here. Way to go! xo
My goal was to put something out there that made a difference or at least made people stop and think for a minute — thank you!
This is beautiful Becky. I tried to read the last main paragraph aloud to my husband, and I kept stopping as my voice caught in my throat. You have such a gift and I’m so glad you share it.
Wow. I’m completely humbled. Thank you Sue.
Amazing how parallel our lives seem to be! It has just been a few months since I have been feeling shiny again after a dark bout with depression. I now see that much of what happened helped to shatter that part of me trying to keep up appearances. Helped me to start letting people in in a more significant way. Was forced to let the walls down. Now I really do think I can do this single-mom thing, but even there I am showing up with more clarity and precision, and not all this wavering in every minute, weighed down by a spinning mind. I also feel I am accepting all the parts of me, even dark and haunted parts.
Thank you for sharing so deeply, and beautifully. Thank you for letting us connect to the heart of you.
Yes, exactly. Accepting all the parts of us as we navigate this world as complicated beings.
Thank you for being here and for sharing with us, with me. I’m so glad we connected here in the ether world.
Beautiful post. I’m so glad you reached out for help. Sometimes that is so daunting. ❤
Thank you Pam — it’s been daunting but well worth the daunt… or something like that. 😉
Brave, beautiful, important. That describes your writing and you. I couldn’t have gotten through a terrible time in my life without the help of a therapist. When that relationship had its own upheaval I lost a valuable source of support. We need to look out for ourselves sometimes, but that can be the hardest thing to do. “I’m fine” is often a big lie. I am so glad you have someone to help you navigate your life.
YOU are brave, beautiful, and important. You show so many people how to be all those things everyday.
Thank you my friend, for sharing with me and sharing here and being in my corner.
*reaches out her hand to grasp yours* it’s so important to write blog posts like this. I’ve only more recently started to really let go of that finely perfected outer appearances art and write everything down. And then hit publish.
It makes a huge difference, doesn’t it?
Never underestimate your readers, your friends – that’s what I learned – and I know you see it too 🙂 *hugs you*
It does… it is equally scary and freeing. It’s complicated to put things here, believe it or not there are things that I write that I will never push publish on here. But the act of writing it out has helped me reach a clarity.
I think this blog has helped me by having such amazing people come here and read and leave their thoughts — a beautiful community.
always ready to grasp your hand as i know you are there for me, b. i’m grateful you found a therapist who is helping you ~ that help can be sanity-saving and even life-saving.
you and Joanne are two of the bravest women i know, willing to put it all out there with the hopes that your experiences may help someone else. i know that many times, your words and hers have helped me enormously.
*giant sparkly super squishy hugs full of love* ♥
Thank you Dani — we are a funky little bunch aren’t we? 😉
Becky you really have been on a journey this year. You have been so generous to share the up and downs. I see a therapist every now and then when I feel like my head won’t stop spinning. I am grateful for her words of wisdom…or better put, I am grateful for her wise questions. Sometimes I feel like the healthiest thing would be to totally fall apart and give ourselves the freedom to rebuild ourselves, get healthy, recalibrate our priorities. But as mothers, caretakers, employees we don’t have that option because the milk needs to be bought, the toilet unclogged, the doctor contacted, the paycheck earned. I hope you are proud of all you have accomplished with writing and exercise and your personal life and your home. You did it all while being a mom and a teacher. And a friend to many. It has been great to follow. Know you inspire me.
Awww — big huge thank you Kim. It’s true that sometimes our heads just start to spin and I can’t stop it, it’s steadying to know I have someone safe to steady me and support me and has always had an outstretched hand for me.
YOU are inspiring… I was just looking at your beautiful family in that Christmas card this morning. I’m glad we (almost/sorta) know each other. 🙂