To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you. ~~~ Lewis B. Smedes
I love a port wine cheese ball. I can’t even fathom a Thanksgiving or a Christmas get-together without a port wine cheese ball being placed somewhere on the serving table. Now, I know this is not exactly elegant or even in good taste — but the port wine cheese ball makes me happy… and why deny ourselves a little happy?
I was at the grocery store recently perusing all the foods that are completely unnecessary because I made the mistake of 1) going to the store hungry, 2) going to the store without a list, and 3) going to the store with the intention of getting a few “special” things. I made my usual long stop in the cheese section and loaded my cart with sharp cheddar and shredded mozzarella and American slices and mini Babybel — and then, as if the seas had parted to show me the way, a plastic tub that read spreadable port wine. Spreadable port wine? In a plastic tub? That I could spread on a cracker and not have to worry about getting all those almonds that usually cover any good cheese ball on my cracker (I hate all those almonds). In the cart it went. I felt utterly satisfied at my find. I could practically savor the goodness of that cheap spreadable port wine cheese in a plastic tub. And here’s where my thoughts jumped from the cheese section of the grocery store and made a flying tackle on my self-deprecation…
Why the hell did I put off buying something that gave me such joy? Why didn’t I just buy the cheap plastic tub of port wine cheese earlier? Well, I think I know why… at least I think I have the beginnings of the “know why”, it came to me right there in the cheese cooler at the store. We get it in our heads that we aren’t good enough for something, that our own happiness has to be put off, that we need a reason to be kind to ourselves. We tend to perseverate on things that have happened and the whys of it all, we beat ourselves up when we should give ourselves a break, we hunker down in our protective covers when we should embrace our lives… ourselves.
It’s the human condition, I suppose — we seem programmed to loathe ourselves… or we aren’t. But, either way, we do… on occasion. We get stuck in a moment and we think we can’t get out of it. We look around for help, for guidance and everyone has walked away — maybe retreating back to their own protective covers. And there, in that moment, that moment in which we think we are stuck and have no way out — we see it… the spreadable port wine cheese in the plastic tub. And we realize… it’s ours if we want it.
I’ve come to the realization, after many ruminations, that thinking we humans (and by humans, I, of course, mean me) don’t deserve certain things in life is more commonplace than not — I don’t know why this feeling lingered for so long with me, really. I’m figuring that part out. I received this comment on a post I did recently from a wonderful new friend and blogger, Michael Lockhart. When I read the comment it made me immediately think about some events that have been taking place in my life recently. It struck me… deep — the mixed euphoria like when you cross the finish line after running a long race and you’re completely spent — you can do no more, but the act of crossing the finish line gave you the strength to think about the next race.
That comment did that for me — it shoved me on a train of thought that perplexed me, forced me to move… I gulped in a deep breath of cleansing air. I’m thinking about the next race, and the next poem, and the next blog post, and the next friend, and the next kid I get to work with, and the next time I go camping, and I’m thinking about all the things I deserve to have in my life — the people I deserve to have in my life. I am buying the cheap-tacky-spreadable-port-wine cheese ball and I am savoring every bite.
I am not without fault. I am not asking you to ignore my trepidations. I am not asking anything of you… I’m asking it of me. I am asking to be… to just be. I’m setting some prisoners free… what about you? Any prisoners you want to set free?
Life is full of these beautiful scary little moments meant to remind us of who we are and who we can be. ~~~ Sheryl Crow
I love a good port wine cheese ball, too. (Good and cheap!) And I love your analogy.
“And there, in that moment, that moment in which we think we are stuck and have no way out — we see it… the spreadable port wine cheese in the plastic tub. And we realize… it’s ours if we want it.”
I need to reach for that port wine cheese in the plastic tub more often!
xoxo
Thank you Julie!
There are lessons to be learned in many a mundane things..
Huhhh (she said, thinking).
I “deny” myself food BECAUSE I think I AM worth it, not the other way around. Usually the food I am NOT having is the unhealthy stuff.
We might have been “programmed to loathe” ourselves or at least not admit how great we are, because that is arrogant and conceited, but I guess I’m pretty good at ignoring stuff—except my cat right now, she is driving me crazy–well, the programming stuff, I guess.
I do love cheese.
Ha!
I think, actually, it might be a woman’s thing, you know?
We tend to be less accepting of compliments. We tend to be less accepting of how good we really are, we tend to tak care of everything else first.
I’ll bring you some cheese.
Thanks Terre!
I don’t know.
I think it is, as you said, a programming issue. Not necessarily a gender issue. If, as a woman, you were programmed to be less aceepting of compliments, then ok, but . . . . I don’t know.
It could be a maturity thing. Seems like there is an age or a point in one’s life where you just say “I’m gonna wear purple with pink and not care that I don’t match . . . . ”
I’m curious, where is it that the programming to loathe comes from?
You are probably right about the maturity thing — I’m working on understanding the programming thing… I’ll keep you posted! 😉
Ok, I am interested . . . . I have some ideas where some “programming” comes from . . . but I am curious as to what you are referring to.
I am here — as a distant friend — to love you and help you “deprogram” if that is what you think you might need.
XOXOXO (Oh, and I am throwing some sparkle your way too!)
Love you!
I’ll keep you posted on any epiphanies.
I have to say. I am a cheese spread gal. Say it loud & proud! Port wine cheese in a tub is what makes us sassy. And we’re gonna keep eatin’ it. So back away from the crackers.
Bring on the port wine!!
Ha!
Love that we share our cheese spread goodness!
Love the port wine cheese spread in the plastic tub. Used to eat it while drinking R*****e Lambrusco red wine with a screw top, no cork. If I were drinking wine today, that would still probably be my first choice.
Um… what is the age or maturing point in life when we don’t care what other people think anymore? I may not live to be that old. I hope I do, but I thought it would be here by now. HA!
Another post I missed. Can’t do it until after Christmas, but then need to check your archives to see what else I might have missed. ;-(
Ha! For some reason “check your archives” made me laugh aloud!