Counter clockwise
A simple shift….
a crow bar’s wrench
to the left
In the iris of your
dark heart
To make a space,
a sliver….
an opening
To actually see,
touch and feel
The light that
is me. ~~~ Karen Schindler
I had a post all ready for the one year anniversary of my blog. It was good too. I wrote it two weeks in advance. I made sure it was exactly what I wanted to say. I checked my links. I made sure everything was okay for me to push that publish button — but I didn’t, I walked away from it.
In reality, walking away from the things I care about is not my best asset. But — I learn, I mess up, I try again. I decided it needed some space to breathe. I decided I needed some space to breathe — I decided that when I thought I was giving out that precious space to breathe, I was actually smothering… like always. So the post I so meticulously wrote two weeks in advance has been shoved in to the “draft” section of this blog, along with 46 other drafts that I’ve been too hesitant to push the publish button on.
In the year since starting this blog, in October of 2009, I’ve gotten the strength (and sometimes temporary insanity) to push the publish button on 142 posts. I’ve trashed one and there is one in the pending column (I didn’t realize there was a pending column)… and those 46 lingering drafts.
It’s been a weird year (this is the part where you all shake your heads vigorously). I learned a lot about myself — some of it I would have liked to stay hidden away. I’ve learned that reaching out can hurt and it can heal. I’ve learned that writing can leave me scared and alone and it can bring me to terms with my own shortcomings. I’ve learned that friendship is a sacred tricky thing. I’ve learned that sometimes “I’m sorry” is not the phrase that should be uttered. I’ve learned that I owe some apologies to people, but I’m searching for the right words, still. I’ve learned that I’m more than a snippet of time — (and I’ve learned that I like to speak parenthetically).
I have lessons yet to learn.
Maybe this year will be the year that the pendulum swings in my favor.
Maybe one of the lessons that I need to learn this year is that the pendulum will swing in whatever general direction I give it a good shove.
A year in the life of Becky is here for all to analyze — open like a book. But, remember, I’m a real person making real (sometimes overwhelming) mistakes and making real (sometimes overpowering) connections and getting my very real heart (sometimes deservedly) broken… and learning that I’m evolving, aren’t you?
Photo from Annie Q. Syed
Happy Bloginniversary! 🙂
I have always known that I like do speak parenthetically.
I am happy you are still here.
Hugs to you, SuperB!
Ha!
(psst… I love to speak parenthetically, it’s like no one can hear us.)
Hugs Back Terre!
Thanks for being here… and there and everywhere.
Spending a year learning lessons – painful as well as not painful – is a very good year, indeed.
And more lessons to learn? Yes. Life is evolving and that is scary. But it also is empowering if we let it.
Step by step. I’m afraid, too, but together friends/humanity can help each other on the way.
I like that… helping each other along the way.
It’s good knowing that I’m not the only one scared sometimes. 🙂
Thanks Marisa.
I’m learning and blogging with you.
Everything is better with a friend, especially one like you.
Happy anniversary.
I’ve found that the posts I hesitated over posting because they seemed silly, or too personal, or too short (!) were ones that really resonated with people. In short, I couldn’t predict what would be meaningful to others. So these days, if I write it, I usually post it. It just might be the one that touches someone the most.
Thank you for my smile Lisa.
I guess if I clean those posts up… it’s enough for a couple of months at least! 😉
Thanks for everything Lisa.
Oh this is great!
1) I speak parenthetically too and dashed-ly too!!! I like to think, if you are a thinking being, you do.
2)I am very big on evolving. If I am friends with anyone for over years, it is only because they have evolved, in a direction of their choice, but still moved…grown, questioned… So I applaud the courage to do this! To sit with what is, what isn’t, what may never be, what can be… And then shed skin that doesn’t fit your essence, so you can cover it with new skin…
I am grateful to come across people who actively choose this. No one is going to do it for us. We can seek all the help and get all the support, in the end, it is all up to us.
I am happy you choose this way to share the evolution of your blog with us, and your own process.
Glad the photo came in handy!
Cheers and hugs
Annie
I’ve thought about that picture since you posted it… I have it saved on my laptop so i can see it, it has sometimes propelled me forward, so thank you for that.
I love this comment, I need to ruminate on it a bit… let it churn in my mind.
Thank you!
Hi, Annie! I apologize B for using you blog to try to make a connection. I just went to your blog Annie, but couldn’t find any way to subscribe. My email is d (dot) h127 (at) yahoo (dot) com. I am @poetpassionbakr on twitter. Becky may or may not vouch for me. Thanks.
🙂
This is what it’s all about, right?
I declare this the Year Of Becky! Prepare to be awed!!
Ha!!
Lock up the wine people… this may be the year I learn to like it (and not just pretend!)
Happy blog anniversary Becky. Congratulations on your success at sticking with your blog. Hitting that publish button and sharing your life with us. I agree with Lisa’s comments, what you may hesitate posting, may be what others will identify with most. Some of the personal things we are hesitant to share, may be issues with others as well. You can break the ice by letting it out. Letting others feel that they are not alone. Letting others understand you better, while offering support along the way.
Your honesty is so refreshing. Keep writing.
Thank you Joanne for taking the time to read me over here when I know you are exceptionally busy in your life right now — that gives me a great feeling of hope, love, and kindness.
I will keep writing but some of it is definitely not blog worthy!
One of the greatest joys about hitting the publish button is coming back and reading the comments and how those comments take me in a direction that I didn’t know I needed to go in.
One great big group therapy session I guess — 🙂
Thank you!
Happy ‘First Pages’ anniversary, Becky!
You are sweet, you are courageous, you must keep writing. Hope I will evolve alongside you.
Hugs!
I’d be glad to have you as an evolution buddy Louise!
We should start a club — with t-shirts of course.
Thank you for your always kind words and for taking the time to read and comment. It’s been a bumpy year… we’ll see what this one has in store.
Thank you!
Wow, was I delighted to pop over and see my poem kicking off your anniversary post…laughing…
It seems apt considering the subject matter. Growing and changing and learning about yourself is a wonderful way to live.
Sloughing off the old and leaving it behind can be so freeing for the spirit.
I’m so glad that you’ve stuck with writing and sharing your thoughts in this space. Especially the naked ones.
Sometimes you don’t figure something out for yourself until you see it nailed to the page. And if what ends up on the page resonates with someone else, it’s an awesome feeling to know that you touched someone with something as simple as words.
Words from an open heart heal.
Keep on healing Becky.
Happy Anniversary.
*BIG hugs!*
Karen :0)
Your poem came at the perfect time — I love it when the universe works like that.
Writing my thoughts has been freeing and confusing and fun and horrific… I’ll assume it’s that way for everyone. 😉
It’s true that sometimes you don’t figure somethings out for yourself until you see it nailed to the page, I love that thought.
Thank you for your inspiration, thank you for you.
Happy blogiversary Becky! I love your blog and have read every post. I find it very inspiring and am grateful you have shared such a personal part of yourself and your journey with us. I am curious though (and maybe this could be a topic for a blog post) and wondering if you would share with us #1) your most popular blog post #2) your own personal favorite blog post #3) have you ever received comments that you just couldn’t figure out? #4) the post that was hardest to write (and it sounds like there might be a few of those) #5) what’s your favorite thing about blogging? #6) what do you like least about blogging?
I realize these are personal questions and ones you may not feel comfortable sharing. That’s o.k. I ask # 3 out of curiosity, because I have only had my blog just a short while (2 months tomorrow) and have received some comments that have left me very puzzled. Not mean-spirited comments in any way (although I know those will come in time) but just very strange comments that I didn’t understand at all and that had nothing to do with my post. I deleted them.
Thanks again Becky. Wishing you a wonderful year ahead.
Thanks Gail!
I’ve visited your blog a few times — I don’t remember if I commented? Hmmm… Sometimes I comment in my head and then forget to actually post it!
it’s strange you ask those questions because my original post for the “blogiversary” was a “top 10 list” of my favorite posts — not necessarily the ones that got the most views or the most comments but the ones that I enjoyed writing and reading and thinking through.
I’ve had a few strange comments (you might need to check your spam filter!), but I’ve posted all comments — I’ve never NOT posted a comment To answer a few questions:
My most popular post (by views) would be “Setting Yourself On Fire” and “I Want Out” — both of which I really enjoy re-reading when I need a little shove. I’m not sure I could narrow down my favorite to one — I thought I was doing good to get it to 10! My favorite thing about blogging is this — coming here and interacting, opening up a conversation, learning new points of view, seeing things differently.
I will need to ponder the rest of this — hmmm.
(maybe a future post!)
Thank Gail!
Thanks for answering this Becky! The comments I was referring to were in spam, but even for spam, they were very strange and unintelligible. Very rarely, I will get a comment in spam from someone who has commented and been approved… LIKE MY SISTER, so I always check the spam comments. These comments were almost like they were responding to someone elses blog but accidentally put their response on mine???
And no, I haven’t got any comments from you, but that’s o.k… I’m glad to know someone besides family is actually reading it occasionally! 🙂 I’m still learning and trying to figure things out. It will just take some time. I am very technologically challenged and probably have no business even having a blog!
I still can’t believe how much we have in common when I read First Pages. So many similarities you just wouldn’t believe. In our childhoods, the way our families celebrated holidays, and sadly, how we both lost both our parents to cancer, dealt with hospice, grief, etc. I have felt so bonded with you while reading your blog. I hope you never stop writing Becky!
Thanks Gail!
Happy Blogiversary Becky!! I had no idea it had been just a year – you write like a seasoned pro :^)
Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I look forward to this next year and agree with The Incredible Woody that it will be the Year of Becky!!!
You are so good at making me smile — I want to bottle you up and take you with me everywhere!
Thank you Christie — this reminded me of what I love about blogging (from the last comment by Gail) I love this… coming here and getting to (sort of) know people as special as you — I don’t see how this could happen without this blog.
The Incredible Woody is a wise woman!
Thank you for being here and being a part of all of this Christie! ❤
Happy Blogiversary, b! You have touched my soul, opened my heart, made me think, persuaded me to look at myself honestly, encouraged me to change, to do, to open up, to reach out, allowed me to be “me”, sent me Mickey Mouse ears and cards, inspired me by example, showed me how to become the best peson I can be. You have been so kind to me {still don’t know why.}
You have done this for so many others, too. By being you, by sharing your ups and downs, by being {sometimes} brutally honest. {Not that you’re ever lying, bit sometimes you can be too hard on yourself.
Your writing is so beautiful, so evocative. I always feel like I’m standing next yo you. Your poetry is sublime. It’s true! You are an amazing poet. Deal with it! I’m sorry I haven’t been able to get to you new short fiction page. Please delete and never repeat that you are “sorta” a writer. Everyone please raise their hands who agree with me!!!
I was blown away by your audio post. You add even more emotion and dimension with your reading. I am waiting patiently for you to read a peom,
And this doesn’t even include what you’ve done for me on twitter. The amazing people you have introduced me to and literally turning me into a poet! My new bio starts with poet.
I am so grateful you started and KEEP this blog going! Selfish of me I know. You and your blog are unique and special and make the world better. Thanks again, b. *Hugs Fuil of Love and Gratitude* *Big Squishy So Proud of you hugs*
Dani – you are the best cheerleader ever — thank you for that.
Being me has it’s downfalls — maybe the “Year of Becky” will have some upswings 😉
Thank you for this comment Dani.
Okay — I WILL do ONE audio recording of a poem — just for you!
Probably the “Not Pulling You Back” one because it just has a place in my heart so I would be willing to do that one… stay tuned! 😉
Yay! Yay! Yay! I won’t care which poem, b. Thank you for granting my wish. Still have to catch up on your posts and poems and short fiction. Can’t wait! And please pardon all of the typos and errors in my last comment. I thought I’d changed them all. One of my “symptoms” appears to be that I can no longer type. Or proofread. Love you, b! I will wait for the poetry audio post as patiently as I can.
Patience —
I’ll need to practice and make sure I don’t sound like a goober. 😉
Happy blog anniversary B! Lessons learned and making mistakes, falling down and getting back up again. That’s what my year has been like too. Let’s hope we can both evolve this year in new and positive directions. :o)
Yes — new and positive directions sounds good.
Thanks c!
Happy Blog-versary…
I too like to speak parenthetically. I’m trying to stop! Lol.
Ha! Thanks for stopping by and reading and commenting!
It still amazes me that people stop by here and listen to my stories — (I’m very grateful for that!)
Thank you!
Happy bloggiversary Becky, this post, like all the others, makes me wish I lived closer so I could meet you in person too.
But let me give you this virtual *hug* and say: it’s amazing to have you here and read your thoughts, you always make me smile!
Well this put a smile on my face on a day when I needed a smile on my face … which is, of course, everyday… right?
Thank you Estrella!
I so hope for the day that I meet you and so many others that I have come to know — and I gladly accept all hugs, virtual or otherwise!
(I saw you had a new post as well! Going soon!)
It just came to my attention that none of my WordPress blog email updates have been showing up for a couple of days. A very knowledgeable WordPress blogger, Brett (Moments…) told me that WordPress had just made some other change and that often results in a glitch like this which they will eventually fix. Since I don’t want to wait a month or more for them to get around to it, I am resubscribing to your email site updates as that will work.
I don’t understand any of that… but I appreciate that you did it!
🙂
Finally came to visit. Your words bring me joy even when they cause a bit of discomfort. (The truth can be so uncomfortable)
Yes, it can.
The truth has left me without words right now… we’ll see what each day brings. I’m glad it has brought you in to my world though.
Thank you.