I think there is a part in each of us that begs to escape, to run away. When you think you may have ventured too far from the path. Things start to look so unfamiliar that you pause and step back, trying to see the whole picture — only for it to be obscured by the “right now”. I don’t think I’m a courageous person, no more than anyone else. I think luck has put me in some situations where I needed a calm demeanor — I drove up on a fatal wreck, I stopped a man from choking, I put myself in front of a man trying to stab his girlfriend, I performed CPR on a dying child. I don’t know why I was there, in those situations… not all turned out okay. I think everyone would just react, just go with their natural instincts in demanding situations.
When I was about 5 or 6 years old. I was at the pool with my brother and sisters, summer break was usually spent lounging at the community pool. I had never gone off the high diving board — it seemed so high. I can remember standing at the foot of the steps and looking up, so scared and so filled with want at the same time… I would inevitably walk away. Then I would jump in the water and look up at the board from underneath, gauging the distance — wondering how far down I would go… if I jumped, wondering how long I would need to hold my breath… if I jumped. I repeated this scene many times that summer — staring up from the steps then from the water, and each night I would go home and say, “… tomorrow”.
Summer was half way finished and I still hadn’t jumped — I remember the day well. My brother had purchased some Lemon Head candies from the concession stand and said if I jumped, he would share with me. I loved Lemon Head candies. Without thinking, I made my way to the ladder and climbed up — never stopping. Once I reached the top I walked slowly out to the end of the board and looked down — it was so far down. I turned to go back down the ladder only to find it was packed with anxious kids waiting their turn… no way out. I looked at the lifeguard who was motioning for me to jump. I looked down in the water at my brother who was holding up the box of Lemon Heads. I calculated how long I would need to hold my breath, I calculated how long it would take for the lifeguard to save me, I calculated how many Lemon Heads would be left if I waited too much longer — and I jumped. My eyes were open the whole time, fixated on the water below. My breathing stopped — not because I remembered to hold my breath, it just stopped… and there was silence all around me. I could feel my heart beating, strongly… but I couldn’t hear anything. The water seemed so far away… I remember thinking it would be over soon, surely it would be over soon. Then I broke the surface and sank slowly to a halt. With one quick kick, I Â popped up and swam for the edge. It was over. I was all at once filled with the want of going again and the longing of having that feeling of weightless silence return — but the dread of the unknown was no longer there. I was laughing. Everyone was laughing at the little daredevil who just jumped off the high dive for a Lemon Head.
I think the daredevil might be around, somewhere…inside. Maybe here on this blog, maybe out there in a world that sometimes confuses and hurts, maybe when I feel like I’m being kicked in the gut so often that I forget how to stand up straight. Maybe the daredevil is remembering how to stand up straight. Courage is in us all, we just have to be willing to let it see the light of day once in a while… and when we do, marvelous things happen. Books are written, blogs are started, friendships are formed — life is lived… we stay in the “right now”, courage is in us all.
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” ~~ Mary Anne Radmacher
Yes, many times it’s taking a leap of faith that lets us know it was the very best thing to do.
Nothing to fear but that pesky fear itself. Someone said that once. 😀
I think the same person said your quote as said my title… hmmm.
Thank you Marisa — the leap of faith gets harder tghe older we get, I think.
I think we start to doubt ourselves and start to question all the possibilities — when we should just go, just act.
Thanks you being here!
Becky,
Your writing is intense and deep – I feel like I’m diving in the deep end myself when I read your stories. Nothing is ordinary, you have an incredible talent. Thank you for sharing.
Oh … <>
-Mike
@DeciduousTree
Thank you for the ginormous smile on my face right now Mike.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate those words. Thank you for coming here and taking the time to read and to comment.
Love this story, Becky, how little it takes for a kid to do something so brave for something that seems so small looking back.
I read this following advice on Judy’s blog and it stuck with me ever since, describing exactly what I was thinking of every day with unsaid words: Leap and the net will appear!
It’s what we have to do in order to live life in the right now, and don’t make excuses.
Thank you Estrella — yes, I think living by doing is what we all need to remember.
I love looking around and seeing you here — thank you for that.
I have been afraid my whole life. I cannot remember one time of being brave or courageous. If anything unexpected happens, even just verbally, I freeze. I’d like to believe that there is courage somewhere within me, but I’ve never felt an inkling. As with so many of your posts, I am in awe of you! Your writing pulls me in and makes me feel that I am right there with you. Thank you for letting me know a little of how it feels to be a daredevil. *Big Squishy Hugs*
Sorry B to use your blog to talk to Dani, but I can’t let this comment sit here another second. Sweetie, I think you are brave, you have been hurt sure, but you express yourself and wear your heart on your sleeve and these are two things about you that I love and envy. These are two incredibly brave things to do. Do not ever think that you do not have courage. Or if you do, let me know and I will set you straight. xo
Ditto. 🙂
Carolyn & Becky ~
Thank you {She says with tears running down her cheeks.} You are the bestest friends I’ve ever had. *Big Squishy Grateful Hugs*
Let me reiterate… I am NOT courageous. No more than anyone. I am afraid and fear many things. I push people that I care about away from me because I smother them with my fear — I wear people out with my insecurities… people who I needed and who cared. We all need to remember that courage is sometimes getting out of the bed, courage is sometimes sending an email, courage is sometimes asking “can we be friends?” one more time when you know the answer is no.
Thank you Dani — for being here and for helping a conversation, that takes courage.
I think courage is exactly what you described here, though maybe unconsciously of it.
Courage is doing what needs to be done despite the presence of fear.
And I’m glad to be here too, Becky 🙂 Hugs!
Yes — I love that line “courage is doing what needs to be done despite the presence of fear (and possibly disappointment, rejection, failure, etc)”
Again, EXACTLY, what I needed to read tonight. I am so enamored with your writing. I want to cuddle up with your book & have your words keep me company.
Ha! How about cuddle up with the blog? 😉
Thank you Liz — for always saying the right thing and making me smile with your words.
I love seeing you here!
Love this B! Courage, like independence, can be misunderstood by some as something less than what it really is. I think the best parts of ourselves come out when we have courage. The courage to start over, the courage to really examine who we are and what we want. The courage to love and the courage to say goodbye. All of it, defines us and is defined by who we are. I love that you are sneaking out again onto that diving board. Glad I’m here to cheer you on. :o) xox #blove
We’re cheering each other on!
I agree, I think the things that I have feared recently and went ahead and said or did — the people on the other end have no idea how loud my heart was beating, how I couldn’t catch my breath because I was using all my courage to act and say like I wanted to… courage is in us all.
Thank you for all of you! #clove
I found myself holding my breath as I was reading this. I was right there on that diving board too jumping with you. You always seem to take me right back to the childhood memories that I love to relive. I LOVED the line “I calculated how many Lemon Heads would be left if I waited too much longer.” That made me laugh out loud! As always I loved this post. Thanks Becky!
Ha! I loved those sour little candies.
Thanks Gail.
I agree for some it takes courage to do somethings and for some it does not. So maybe we all show courage to a varying degree.
I think that you assisting in all of those emergency situations shows a lot of courage.
Maybe sometimes it is easy for some of us to be courageous when it is for someone else or for an “outside circumstance”. But it sometimes is difficult when it involves ourselves?
Yes — perfect. I think when we are considering courage for our own needs — it is difficult to muster. When others — even strangers — are involved, it becomes human nature.
Thank you Terre!
B – Looks like my original comment is no longer here.
Oh well, at least you know I was here and I commented because you replied back to me!
HUGS!
That’s weird… I can’t find it in my trash folder or anywhere. Hmmm… wordpress shananigans.