When I’m having a sucky day, I stomp my foot on the floor in a dramatic fashion. ~~~ quote from an 11 year-old with autism
I think my world is often confusing and mixed up. I think I struggle to find the time to do what I want and what I need. I think I struggle to say the right words to the right people at the right time. I think I, too often, want to be the “best friend” that says everything perfect and can cook a great dinner while I’m doing it. I know what it means to dream of trips and conversations and walks and talks — I know what it is to say, “I’m just dreaming” and stomp my foot in a dramatic fashion. I think that makes me just about average.
I think I’ve discovered something in an attempt to discover myself… I’m a mystery (and I kind of like that). Not in an undercover-spy-like-seductress way. More like a why-the-heck-are-you-feeling-that-way way. I often think I need to figure things out, to take control, to know what steps to take to lead to the desired outcome. I plan, I think, I evaluate, I re-plan, I proceed… and often, too often, I find the path I’ve taken leads me to a place of aloneness and isolation. I become weary and tired and loathsome and I perseverate on things that I need to let go of… I need to let things actualize in that ever elusive natural flow — uncontrolling, me… just floating along with it. It scares me. To float along, to not know the outcome of this journey we are all on — it scares me. I think, possibly, we become stronger by looking at our fears — becoming unafraid of them. So… I’ll bob and weave and when I need to, I’ll float along the steady current.
I was visiting one of my favorite places, Zebra Sounds, and watched this amazing video that was featured recently. To be honest, I haven’t been able to watch the whole thing. Maybe tonight — when I finish this post… maybe then I’ll have the strength to watch it. It hurt to watch it. The pain of losing a loved one, the pain of letting go, the pain of moving on — and perhaps… the pain of not knowing love. So many things went through my head — my grandparents, my parents… me. I think to feel love as completely and honestly and openly and wholly and painfully as it is felt in the video… as it was in the lives of my grand-parents and my parents — I think that must be a wonderful thing. Love is not elusive — it is within our reach… waiting.
Back to that wonderful quote that my new favorite 11 year-old boy with autism said to me… how full of wisdom is he that he can recognize a need to stomp and hiss and be dramatic when he’s having a sucky day? I was having a sucky day when I sat down to chat with him. I asked him to show me how he did it, how he stomped his foot in a dramatic fashion. Then I asked him to watch me and help me do it the right way (apparently I was very good at it — go figure). Soon we were both stomping dramatically and we were both laughing and our sucky days disappeared — just like that.
When I’m having a sucky day, I want to stomp my foot and scream and curse and mostly… I want to laugh with a friend. Love is all around us. In our partners, in our sisters, in our brothers, in our friends, in the people we make eye contact with for a brief moment on the street — it’s there. It’s ours to take. It’s mine to have — the dream of love.
I love everything about this video!
First Pages 
You know what else is good? Throwing shoes. I LOVE to throw shoes.
Ha! I like throwing shoes too — I think I’ll throw some right now.
My daughter is a planner (though I think more extreme than you) and so was my mother. My idea of planning ahead long-term is next week. I’m not spontaneous. It’s more ‘I don’t want to disappoint you if I don’t follow through/I don’t want to be disappointed if you don’t follow through.’
I would like to follow your example (yet again, and most gratefully) and look at my fears and at least try to moderate my behavior, even if I can’t change it completely.
I did watch the “Love Story” video. It made my heart ache, not only because I don’t believe that I’ll ever have that kind of love, but because I’ve never known anyone who does. I don’t think I even believe that men are capable of that deep of love. Sad, I know.
A lot to think about in this post, b. Thank you. Love you. *Big squishy hugs*
I think saying that something I wrote made you think is probably the greatest compliment ever.
Thank you Dani!
I don’t have sucky days. I refuse! I put my foot down at having sucky days. There might be a moment in my day that is not that great, but as long as I am breathing and I have the option to let that moment dictate my day . . . I have just thwarted a sucky day . . . I am more powerful than a moment and I don’t let them “make” my days suck!
A moment that sucks might cause me to think of stomping my foot and being dramatic and I just might do that, because yes, I think that is a great way to acknowledge an ick in one’s day, but . . .then I move on . . .I am not going to let a moment that is so bad it has the power to make my day suck actually make my day suck! Just like you and your new friend. You stomped it!
And like you, I struggle to find time to do the things I want and I want to read the blogs that I have become attached to, so I don’t go thru all the wonderful things J lists on her blog. I’d rather spend time with you here.
Love is yours to have and to give. And who better than to have it for and give it to but to yourself?
You are one of the reasons I never stay in a sucky day!
I love having you around to remind me that it’s only temporary.
Thank you Terre!
Yay! Nice to hear.
Moments suck . . . but we can overcome them.
Big sparkly hugs, B!