In the midst of a moment of longing and strife
I open my spirit to the heart of life
Bidding fond farewell to the same old same
I leap with abandon into the game ~~ Peter Matineau
So, I had kind of a crappy day Friday. It started out with an early morning drive to get my oldest to softball practice (at 6:30 — in the morning!). As the day carried on… there was a policeman, some failed brake lights, a difficult “clearing the air” session, a spilled water bottle, an empty gas tank, and a stomach balled up in an awful nervous mess. I guess we can all expect crappy days once in a while. An emotionally difficult couple of weeks was coming to an end and I was hoping for some type of resolution — I actually think a resolution started to form… that’s something.
It started earlier Thursday with a facebook note exchange with a friend from high school. He sent the kindest note saying he had read my blog and thought it was nice. Of course, this sent me off in the best of moods. He wrote back later and said he had read the whole thing — the whole thing — and that he had a revelation he wanted to share. I was intrigued and waited anxiously for the revelation note — then it came. I won’t share the contents of it here with you, but when I was reading the note, it made me frustrated and mad and sad and finally… shocked me into tears (it was a great story). My take-away from the story he so carefully crafted was… trust. He entered into a situation where he had no trust or confidence in someone but over time, he learned to trust that person and more so, his own decisions.
My last couple of weeks have been filled with disappointment, anger, heartbreak, love, random acts of kindness, and growth. My Friday alone held all of these things — one day which seemed to last forever. A lot can happen in a day. Friday ended with a wonderful conversation with my oldest daughter about boyfriends and girlfriends and school and teachers and boys (some more) and music and movies and books. I ended the night by coming here — to this blog that has given me a voice it seems. It has given me a way of putting all my flaws out here in the ether for all to see. So last night, I gathered my flaws and put them in a post here — one I’ll never hit the publish button on. It was too personal and perhaps revealed too much (everything is not blog worthy). But still, it’s here. Keeping watch over me. Letting me know it’s just one push of the publish button away.
I’ve written about many things on this blog — sad things, mournful things, nostalgic things, mad things, happy things, kind things, mean things. I’ve written them here always in an attempt to learn and do better. I think I’ve never tried to write about things here that make me seem perfect or enlightened or in more of a positive light than I am in reality. But, I had a post in mind that I wanted to do very badly. It involved film and still shots and editing and great music and graphics. I wanted to film my day at the fair with my children. I wanted you to see my perfect world and my perfect children and my perfect life. But of course, it was not to be. Mainly because… my world isn’t perfect. I lost someone’s trust recently. And when you lose trust you lose your ability to talk and share and learn from each other because there’s always the possibility that your words will not be believed. Not such a perfect world.
My children trust that I will get them to school on time, they trust that I’ll have their clothes ready and their lunches — they trust me. My family trusts that they can call me and I’ll help. The people I work with trust that I’ll do my job and do it in a kick-ass manner. But when you lose the trust of a friend… where does that leave you? Well, for me, it left me here… writing a post that I’ll never publish — wishing for the beginning of a new day. Which brings me to this:
We all woke up bright and early ready to hit the midway. My youngest awoke with a cough and the sniffles — I ignored it. Everyone showered and readied themselves, except for my youngest who had curled up in my bed while I got dressed. She told me she was sick and couldn’t go to the fair. No — this couldn’t be… my movie.
I laid out her clothes and instructed her to get dressed — this would be our last chance to get to the fair (and my movie to show my perfect world). I prodded her to get ready — then it dawned on me, she didn’t feel well. I retraced my steps where I went wrong in this exchange. I wanted to make my movie to put here on this blog to show you all my perfect world. Instead, my daughter was sick. I put her pajamas back on her, gave her some Sprite, and she was back asleep within minutes.
My world is perfect – for me. I don’t need to create perfect children or perfect days or perfect friends. I have all of those things in the messiest of versions. And I wonder, how often do bloggers attempt to show their life as one filled with champagne and movie premiers instead of the mess that bogs us down in this life?
I guess the mess can be found here, as I sit in my room watching it get later and later, watching my chances of making the perfect blog video slip away… watching my daughter sleep — curled up in my bed as I type about my messy imperfect world.
I don’t know what the rest of the day will hold. Perhaps making a movie at the fair, perhaps watching a movie here, perhaps sitting here watching my daughter sleep. Whatever happens, it will be my perfect messy world. And I’ll be here — working on building the trust… and all that stuff.