I was doing my yoga practice this morning. And, as has been a common occurence this summer, my youngest daughter had made her way to my bed when she awoke and was watching my TV. It is a bit difficult to concentrate on the yoga video playing on the laptop while hearing Phineas and Ferb scheme in the back ground — but still, it’s a nice time of my daughter asking questions about yoga and me trying to explain a feeling to her. She often joins in, as she did this morning.
She became very curious this morning when I had finished with my practice and was beginning my savasana. She asked if I was ok. Sometimes I find myself crying, only slightly, when I’m doing savasana. I’ve gotten so used to it I wipe my tears and sweat without thinking. But this morning, I had company. So she asked if I was ok. I was, actually. I was very ok, actually. I explained to her what savasana was and asked her if she wanted to try — she did. I positioned her next to me in the corpse pose and then resumed my own. And there we were, lost in our thoughts — together. After a couple of minutes I felt her soft warm hand making its way into mine — and there was my connection. Lying beside me, steadying my thoughts and nurturing my soul — her soft warm hand did all of that… and I wiped a tear from my cheek.
Later in the day, as my older children were off at a swimming party, my youngest and I set out to the movies and dinner together — I can’t imagine a more perfect date. We settled into our seats at the theater and were immediately captivated by the previews. When the movie started, it had some scenes at the beginning that were a bit sad. I reached over and held her soft warm hand in mine once again, there in the dark of the theater during the sad parts. And she smiled at me. And we were connected.
I was talking with a friend recently and told her of how my kids had spent their first night away from me and at their father’s house. She asked, in a very concerned voice, how I was. My reply was quick and sure because I was great. I told her it was nice to be alone with my thoughts and a book and this keyboard. I told her it was refreshing. Her distorted look let me know I had committed a “mommie crime”. So I immediately added that I was sure it would be difficult next time.
Well next time is here and still… I’m good. I’m here, in my room typing away on this keyboard uninterrupted and although I love my children more than words can describe, I am here, in this moment, content and happy and once again surrounded by a lovely silence.
I’ve never claimed to be the best mother, I’ve only claimed to not be the worst. I rarely ever left my kids to go out with friends. I have used a baby-sitter less than 5 times that I can think of — my oldest is 14. I used to think this meant I was better than most. I stayed home, I put off my life to ensure theirs. Now, I question many decisions. I read this post by a wonderful writer, mother, and friend. And I started to question. Questioning leads to improvement… I hope.
So, tonight, on the second night that my children are sleeping over at their dad’s house, I am content. I am profoundly content in my aloneness and in their awayness. I am here, in this moment, and I am resting comfortably.
Tomorrow night, when my kids are back here, I will read them stories and I will talk about boys and girls and video games and I will kiss them goodnight. And I will reach for that soft warm hand that nurtures my soul and I will be connected. But tonight, I will talk to my best friend on the phone, I will turn the TV off, I will read a few favorite blogs, I will eat a bowl of cereal for dinner. I am learning to be a better mother, a better person… a better me. It’s never too late to improve and it’s never too late to get back to basics.
Picture from Kind Over Matter
I love your blog, Becky. That is all.
Well… I love you and you’re blog. And if you’ve been paying attention, you know I don’t dish out my love to just anybody! 😉
Lovely post, Becky. xo
Thank you Laura — for being here… and everywhere. ❤
I love the connection you have with your daughter. Too many parents have no life beyond their children. This just proves that you do. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Thank you Mary! Did you see our new profile pic on fb? She’s connection worthy!
Thank you for being encouraging all the time!
I love this. ❤ 🙂
Thank you Jordan — that really means a lot coming from you!
Great post! What a sweet image of your daughter’s hand in yours. I’ve traveled this same road, though I was younger and didn’t have your gift of observation. I had well-intentioned people say, “it must be sooo hard being way from your daughter.” Looking back down the years, I would tell my younger self, don’t feel guilty! That time is a gift that so few mothers get or appreciate. It’s time to do the things that if our kids were there, we might feel we were taking time from them. We all know we should take care of ourselves, but we rarely give ourselves that opportunity. Of course we’d like to not be in a position of sharing our kids. But when that’s your reality, it’s best to embrace it with gratitude. Now there’s a lesson to share with our kids.
That is an awesome observation Sue. Thank you for pointing that out.
I love how you come here and enhance my thoughts with the way you can visualize things.
Thank you!
Lovely. Oh has that been said already? Well it is. I think I remember saying this was going to be a fantastic year for you, and I believe this post is part of that. You sound to me like an awesome mother, so many see it as either mostly a chore or they smother their children, I’m thinking you have a pretty good balancing act going on here (if I’m wrong don’t tell me!) :o) Beautiful how the small moments mean the most, they really aren’t small moments then are they? They are huge moments, but they are quiet – they sneak up on us and comfort us just at that right moment. Lovely. xo
The important moments do sneak up on us — that’s an awesome thought.
Thank you #clove.
Thank for the kind words.
In the nine months or so since I met you on twitter and from reading your blog, I feel like I have gotten to know you as well as if we lived in the same town. Everything I’ve read has shown that you are an excellent mother both in the attention and care that you give to your children, and by the example you set in the way you live your life. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the time alone. I agree with Sue ~ your positive attitude about the kids going to their dad’s will make it easier for them. You know I love your writing ~
“After a couple of minutes I felt her soft warm hand making its way into mine — and there was my connection. Lying beside me, steadying my thoughts and nurturing my soul — her soft warm hand did all of that…”
Beautiful, b! *Big Squishy Hugs Full of Love and Respect*
Thank you Dani.
Your encouragement is unsurpassed. I hope it’s everything you say…
Thanks!
I do not lie! 😉
It is not a mommy crime. When you know your children are safe and loved at their fathers house for you to “be you”. You have that right, you deserve that privilege.
Yes, I think it’s not really a privilege though — just being a person, who happens to be a mom… you know?
Thank you very much for coming here and reading and commenting!