There’s a game I like to play called “Help Me Think This Through, Would You!” The rules are simple — I ask questions I need help sorting through myself. When you answer, when you’re truthful and honest — it helps me be truthful and honest as well. Here’s one that came up recently, “do you have a fault you would change?” The answer I settled on wasn’t the answer I originally thought of as my biggest fault. I originally thought my biggest fault was my lack of patience. But, suddenly the brain began to synapse and I saw my (one of my) biggest faults staring me down from the keyboard upon which I was typing — expectations.
I have expectations in people. I create scenarios of how I think a conversation will go or a card I think will arrive in the mail or an email I think may arrive any second now. Then… nothing. And I’m left with the chaos that I created. Not because the other person is unthinking or uncaring but because I am too thinking — the chaos is my own making. It must be incredibly freeing to not have expectations of others. To never feel let down or disappointed or left out.
The expectations I sometimes levy on people — unbeknown to them — can leave me with a feeling of rampant chaos. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have expectations for your kids to make good grades in school, for your spouse to treat you with dignity and respect, for your dog to greet you everyday you come home. We do have some expectations and those are good. It’s the ones we cast down on our unsuspecting friends and loved ones, the ones where we created the scenarios of grandeur, the ones that leave us sad.
So, my new goal is to attempt to only have expectations for myself. I believe that if I be the person for others that I (mistakenly) expect them to be for me, then, eventually…maybe, it will come back to me. I need to be the friend I want to have, I need to be the mother my kids dream about having, I need to expect great things from myself, and I need to love those who are gracious enough to be in my life just for being in my life. The expectations should be only for my own behavior and when that occurs, the rampant chaos will no longer rule my world.
So, back to my favorite game… if you could change one fault of yours, what would it be and why?
“Anger always comes from frustrated expectations” — Elliott Larson
“The best things in life are unexpected – because there were no expectations.” — Eli Khamarov
“Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don’t over-analyse your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.” — Leo F. Buscaglia
First Pages 
Expectations is a good one. We often mistake them for hope until the disappointment sears, and we see what we did. Impatience comes from expectations – should be faster, should be better. I love to say something a teacher once told me, “It’s nice to visit the land of should, but we can’t live there.”
At a shallower level, it’s messiness. I kinda like things in a state of slight dishevelment. I think I don’t – I think I like order, and I always feel very satisfied when I achieve it. Yet, I build a minor amount of untidiness, almost on purpose, telling myself I’m just being expedient in the moment. I have a theory that “stuff” helps me feel rooted, grounded, weighed down.
I was just having that conversation earlier — that sometimes I like a little chaos, a little dishevelment. I think it keeps me feeling and moving forward. I wonder if there are those who live in complete order? I wonder what their minds are really thinking? Hmm… thank you as always!
I would have to say that expectations of others is up there for me too. I have in the past had expectations of family and friends and had actually gotten mad about things. But, then came to find out there was a good reason and felt really bad. Of course, they never even knew.
However, my worst fault is probably procrastination. If I can put it off I will… until I absolutely have to do it. But, I work great if I have a tight deadline.
Thanks Mary.
I think procrastination gets me too, but when I have a set plan with dates, I always focus better. I think we (people) need visuals like a deadline to keep us on track — I’ve learned this applies to me anyway.
Yes. Expectations is a huge one for me right now. I am going through some life changes with a man I truly care about and he is demanding that I have NO EXPECTATIONS of how these changes will come out. Wow. I can expect nothing of him, and in true exchange I am asking that he drop his expectations when he ‘guesses’ how I will respond or how I am feeling or what I am thinking. It is really really hard Becky because we have known each other a long time and been together through many horrible and wonderful events.
But that is not the one thing I would change about me. I would change my paralyzing shyness. On the computer I am freed to chatter away, but in a group of people I freeze, then do a slow fade back in to the edge of vision. I will linger and listen, but for me to talk out and see the eyes of a group of people assessing at me – whew – I’m so outta there :). I would change that to be the same stand up, strong, funny lady that I can be one-on-one or on line.
Thanks for your blog – it widens my world.
Hey Robyn! Thanks for stopping by and for commenting.
I actually think it’s good to not have expectations of the life changes like that you said you’re going through — the outcome could be the best possible outcome for you both but if it doesn’t live up to the already preconceived expectations… then it gets tossed aside.
Ohhh — shyness.
I never really had to deal with shyness, I have always been the one to start a conversation with even complete strangers (first on the dance floor I always say!)
I bet the people you are with would love for you to be in the thick of things instead of lingering on the fringes!
Thanks again and hope to see you back soon!
This is a great post, b! I need to think about this and come back (so many to choose from.) *Big Hugs*
Awww — thanks for stopping by Dani and for the encouraging words.
(Don’t forget to come back — I know how to reach you remember 😉 )
Shucks! I thought I’d be able to slide right past and not come back with mine, b ~ I should’ve known that you wouldn’t let me get away with it. Okay, if I could only change one…. it would have to be my “automatic defense mechanism” ~ when someone hurts me, or if I even think that they are going to hurt me, I get very aggressive. IE: The best defense is an offense. I almost always regret it afterwards. It also ties into trust/lack of trust and unrealistic/unfair expectations. Thanks for another thought-provoking post. Love ya’! *Big Squishy Hugs*
Thanks for coming back!
I wonder if we sometimes lack an ability to trust because we’ve levied unrealistic expectations that the other person can’t or has no intention of following through on?
Hmmm — more thoughts needed on that one!
Oh this is gooooood. I too have done this very thing. Very good.
I think I have many faults I am not sure I could settle on one to change. I really just wanted to let you know I thought this was a wonderul post.
Thank you for stopping by to say that Terre and for your always thoughtful words!
Great post B! Only one huh?? Hmmm…I could say expectations as well, or procrastination, or patience – all very good things I really really could improve upon. I think though that what gets to the heart of the matter for me is trust. I have – from a lifetime (40 years or so), developed maybe because of failed expectations, or broken hearts, who knows – the inability to really trust. No I mean to really really trust someone… well what I mean is, no that’s what I mean. It’s a fundamental flaw in my character, how you get that back I’m not sure. I think I go about my business as a normal person, but then – something happens – and all of a sudden I am so quick to assume the worst – about a person, maybe even someone I love and/or respect – but there it is – and my knee-jerk reaction is out before I can stop it, think and/or dismiss or rationalize it away. I’ve tried to ‘just trust’ and to ‘open up’ and to just ‘let it be’ all those things – but when my trust (or my wonky version of it) is challenged, I’m right back there – thinking – ‘yeah, knew I couldn’t really count on XYZ’ and (deep sigh), I’m back to square one. I’m sure there is a camp or hypnosis or something to ‘fix’ my level of trust issue, but alas, I’m lazy and a non-believer in those sorts of things so I plod along – if you have any advice B I’ll surely take it!
Having said all of this – I think the reason I ❤ Twitter so much is that I have found some great friends there – whom I feel I do trust – but I wonder – it's still 'virtual' in so many ways…. I don't know… Ok enough rambling… thanks for the post B really making me think today!
OMG! Yes, TRUST! I also have trust issues, but mine are extreme, especially when it comes to relationships. It is probably the main reason I have remained single all of these years. I would not trust anyone with my heart. If someone started getting too close, I found a way to sabotage the relationship.
Wow… yes, the trust thing. But, doesn’t that kind of go along with the expectations thing? I think, and this is after a lot of talking and thinking on my part, that you have to have some level of trust and expectations for those you love the most, a spouse (maybe), a child (maybe), a parent (maybe)… hmmm, surely there’s someone we’re supposed to trust and expect things from?
Anyway, I’m not sure how to work on trust or expectations. I think it has to do with looking at yourself and being the person you want others to be for you — my hope is that it will come back to me.
Thank you #clove!
Hmm, they are definitely related for sure. I like your decision regarding expectations, I think I’ll try it. (oh except I expect you to keep posting fantastic stuff on your blog – ok?) ;o) I don’t know what the solution for trust is – just trust everyone? Yikes, maybe I should just trust that most people are trustworthy? Hmm, I’ll think on it, let me know if you get answer for that one. In the meantime I will try to not have any expectations of people… wait, now I’m confused. This is what I get for commenting after work (used up all brain cells), instead of my semi-asleep state of first thing in the morning. xo #blove
Trust that people are trustworthy I think sounds like an awesome plan. Your semi-confused states seem much more coherent than my coherent states!
I have to think on this one too.
Really great post, Becky. Just like I expected it would be… (ha ha). xo
Just seeing your name here is a prime example of getting unexpected surprises when you quit with all the expectations!
Now, I can walk around all day with this goofy smile and have people wonder what I’ve been up to!
Thank you Laura!
I am not a tidy person.
It may be why I feel close to cats, who are personally tidy but comfortable purveyors of chaos in their surroundings.
If I could change one fault, I would be tidy, or tidier. It would be a priority for me, as opposed to occasional and accidental.
It’s a good thing to think about, B! Thank you! 🙂
I actually am a little obsessed with tidy and order — in my home anyway. But, I do have a closet that looks as if I’ve just thrown everything I couldn’t find a place for in it, mainly because I threw everything I couldn’t find a place for in it! Which is another fault of mine — I like for things to be tidy on the surface, where people can see, but underneath it’s a bit disheveled.
Thank you Lydia!
What are these ‘faults’ of which you speak? 😉
I am not surprised you know not of these things!
Ventura girl — surf’s up!
I would change the fact that I cut others more slack than I do for myself. I am quick to forgive others, to find a reason why they may have done something hurtful, but am uber-critical of myself, expecting perfection. And if that perfection isn’t attainable, then I quit. I think that is one of the things I love most about being a mother. I can’t quit. I must keep doing my best, and looking for ways to improve. I need to be kinder to myself sometimes, more forgiving, and not regret choices I have made or failures I have had.
You know, that’s a good one Lisa. But how would we work on that? I do that too and it really creates chaos. Being kind to ourselves is hard but necessary.
Thanks Lisa — I’m thinking about this one!
Wow. You took a complex issue and gave a wonderful response. My ex used to day the single biggest problem in relationships was unrealistic expectations. He was right and so are you. Most of the time our expectations of others are not realistic. We cannot control others, only our responses to them. But taking the pressure of, we all interact more effectively. What one fault of mine would I change? At times I answer without thinking when I should give something more thought.
Hey Sue! Love seeing you here.
Your answer is one of those things I should do the exact opposite of — I often give things too much thought and turn a simple matter into a complex one.
Thank you for stopping by!
Thanks for reading!
A few ago I had a revelation that changed my life. It was exactly this. The only person whose behavior we can control is our own. It sounds so trite and so simple until you start applying to every relationship and situation you are in. Then it changes everything. It helps me worry less, it helps me focus on my own behavior and work on improving that rather than trying to change other people’s, it helps me accept what I cannot control. Forgiveness becomes easier. Honestly, it changed my life.
If I could change one of my own faults, it would be to become a better listener. I tend to interrupt.
Great post!
Thank you K!
I went back and read this post… I was in a weird place at the time (I actually still am in a weird place… just a different weird place) 😉