I guess it comes as no surprise to some and a big surprise to others that in a few days, I will be officially single…again, after nearly eighteen years of marriage. I’ve made a point to tell only a few people, those that I have a bond with or those I have felt comfortable sharing such intimate news — the words are sometimes difficult to form. They sometimes don’t want to leave my lips. They sometimes get stuck in my throat. Not because I’m unsure of this particular path down which my journey through life is leading me — I came to grips with this a while ago, but more because of the way it is perceived by others.
My best friend had been separated from her husband and on the verge of divorce for months before she told me of their marital problems. She was embarrassed to admit that “she failed”. That’s what divorce is in our society, a failure. So when my turn came around to disclose information to her — I was less than forthcoming as well. I held off on some important details until after our initial exchange on the subject…I sent her a text message that said, “I’m getting divorced and need to talk to my best friend”. She called within minutes and we talked of marriage and divorce and friends and life — and there were no questions I didn’t want to answer and there were no judgements I didn’t need to hear.
I don’t view my divorce as a failure or as a mistake or as a mid-life crisis or as an act against God (more on that later) — it is a choice to continue, to grow, to leap. I think some things in life come to us without offering a choice — they just are. Those are the things that really shape us by forcing us to make decisions about ourselves — we can’t really decide to change certain things, but we can decide to change ourselves. Somethings aren’t always about changing — somethings are meant to stay the same and we are meant to change… to avoid, to circumvent, to move past.
I don’t necessarily think the things or the people that we encounter in our lives are wrong in their steadfastness — we each are responsible for our own outcome. They simply choose to remain stuck and we choose to move forward. Sometimes we move forward in huge bounds and sometimes… sometimes much more frequently, we move forward by living daily in the small victories. Small victories that have meaning to us… and that’s the way it should be.
I think, for me, I’ve been stuck in the “big picture” and not realizing that the small daily victories have been leading me on and comforting me. Small daily victories like seeing a familiar face or hearing a comforting voice or reading carefully chosen words or writing… sometimes, just sometimes, the small victories add up and make the huge leaps seem much easier to navigate. Life isn’t always about the “big picture” or the enormous leaps. I’m beginning to take the small victories and embrace them, I’m beginning to take the small victories and cherish them — I’m beginning to notice the small victories. Small victories, the greatest wish of all.
First Pages 
Oh.
Unless I know the details and know that it is cause for celebration I am always sad when I hear of divorce. Even if “it is the right thing”, even when people “have come to terms with it”, to me it is still sad because something is ending. Something that brought the two together and held them together until the end is ending — that makes me sad.
But there are sooooooo many reasons why a marriage can end I don’t think of it as a failure because I don’t know . . . it could have been the best time ever and it served its purpose for both parties and now it is just time to move on . . . so . . . I don’t know. No one really knows except the two people doing it. I just try to offer whatever is needed. If the person is celebrating then I bring the champagne. If the person is crying I’ll supply the tissue. If the person is angry, I will be there to let them vent. And for all situations I will hold space and offer hugs.
I bet you have many friends Terre.
Thanks for commenting — I know this is a difficult one to comment on, but your thoughts are appreciated.
It is very difficult to comment on.
But I am sure it wasn’t easy to write either.
XOXO
i wish you only the best as you enter a new chapter in your life, Becky. With so much that you give to your family and those of us who know you, I fervently hope that only good things will come your way… small victories. Hugs, Lisa
Thanks Lisa.
You are such a strength to me and others in your words and your willingness to be honest in your writing — Thank you for being here!
How can a marriage ever be considered a failure if it resulted in the gift of a child? I believe that every ‘bad’ thing that happened with my ex was worth the pain because having my daughter in this world is worth any cost to me. You have three beautiful, loving children who are NOT the result of ‘failure.’
I dislike the word ‘fail’ {well, maybe except for Twitter’s ‘fail whale’} as how else will we ever learn if we are not willing to take a step or a leap into the unkown and risk not reaching our objective? People only lived to be forty for much of the past. Staying married ’till death do us part’ was much easier then. For us to continue to grow… to be “alive”… into our eighties, we have to keep learning, changing whether it’s our careers or our relationships.
Thank you, b, for bringing the focus to our small victories. Some of us don’t have “BIG” victories in our lives, yet we don’t want to feel our lives are meaningless. You are an inspiration to many in both your small victories and the enormous leaps. I am constantly in awe. I hope that you know how much I love and respect you, Becky. Your marriage may be ending, but a new chapter in your life is just beginning. Thank you for sharing your journey.
*Big Squishy Ever-So-Proud-Of-You Hugs*
Thank you Dani.
I think everyone has a different take on marriage… hmmm, better stop that train of thought before it leaves the station!
The small victories add up whether we expect them to or not, sometimes they surprise us with the magnitude that they have made themselves known.
My first marriage ended after 10 years together. I still feel like he is my family, though we haven’t seen each other in years and are in infrequent contact. When you love someone, you keep loving what you love, even if you can’t love everything. Or even if love isn’t enough to make a life together possible.
Partnering on the day-to-day struggles of living and growing in this world is a big deal, and even with people who care a lot about each other, it’s not always possible. Or it’s possible for awhile, until it’s not.
You have shown yourself to have a strong inner core. I wish you joy on this next leg of your journey.
Thank you. Your words are always welcomed in my train of thought.
My marriage ended after months and months of struggle. While it was the best decision I could have made, it was also the only decision I could have made at that point. I have no doubt that our situations are completely different; one of the lessons I’ve learned over the past few years is that no one ever really knows what’s going on in someone else’s marriage.
I’m unwilling to comment on the use of the word “fail” in this situation, though I will be writing about this at some point on my less-publicized blog (which, in case I haven’t shared that with you before can be found at http://sixcents.tumblr.com). However, I do think there are reasons to think a marriage wasn’t a failure even if there aren’t children involved. Regardless, thank you for sharing. I’ll be thinking of you.
That’s exactly right Allison. Every case is different, every thought and feeling and reasoning is different. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, Allison ~ I hope my comment didn’t come across as saying I think a marriage that does not produce children is a failure. Personally, I don’t think any relationship is a “failure.” IMO, how can we fail if we were willing to take a risk? That in itself is a brave act. *big squishy hugs*
Dani –
Ooo! I like that . . . no relationship is a failure, because it is a brave act taking the risk.
Nice.
I like that too — well said!
I’m sorry to hear about the divorce, Becky. I believe that no one, other than the two people involved can truly know what the story is and they are the ones who have to make and live with this decision. You (and your family) have been through so many endings in the past three years and this is yet another. I pray that you and the kids (and Trent) find your way to true happiness and peace. God bless you in this time of upheaval.
Thanks Laurette — I appreciate your kind thoughts.
Becky,
I think you are amazing and lovely and brave. I am so glad you are willing to share your life on your blog the way you do. Beautiful writing, beautiful living.
All my best to you and your family during this transition and always.
Thank you Kathleen — I was very (VERY) hesitant to put this one up. But, you, here, that’s why I did it.
Thank you for your friendship!