I’m mad. I’m angry. I’m pissed off.
Cancer is so strange. I don’t understand it. I don’t know why it exists or why is chooses the people it chooses or why it goes away or why it leaves families broken or why it leaves — I don’t understand it.
I’ve never had cancer. I don’t intend on getting cancer — does anyone? But cancer crawled silently into my life a few years ago when it took up residence in my fathers lung. We decided to give the lung to cancer but the selfish bastard decided to creep in to other organs and then decided to invite some friends over to wreak havoc on the remaining lung so my father was gone — just gone.
In the meantime, cancer decided to sneak in to the colon of my brother-in-law and force a surgery to save his life that went horrible wrong and left him a paraplegic. Then my brother-in-law was gone… 6 weeks after my father left — just gone, both of them.
The day after my brother-in-laws funeral, we took my mother to the emergency room where cancer was waiting like a spineless mugger… waiting in the shadows for a weak target. We kicked its ass for a bit then it decided to infiltrate her body at such a rate that all we could do was — nothing, we could do nothing. And then she too was gone — just gone.
It won’t leave us alone — it won’t leave me alone.
I hate watching those idiotic movies were that babbling whiner always asks what she did to deserve so many bad things, what she did to deserve to have the people she cared about leave, what she did… like cancer was targeting her — like she was the one being poked and prodded.
I don’t know what I did.
I don’t know why the people I care about leave.
I don’t understand cancer.
So for now, I wait… patiently. Maybe understanding will come. I’m battle weary. But I will put the armor back on if that’s what is needed, I will grab the facade and place it back in place if that’s what is needed, I will fight… if that’s what is needed. But until that time, I will assume the best, I will pretend cancer is a word that I’ve never heard — I like pretending.
First Pages 
Becky,
This is very timely for me. June 17th is the 5th anniversary of my father’s death.
Thank you for giving voice to all of us who don’t understand.
I’m sorry Mary, such a hard time for you. I’m not sure anyone understands cancer.
Gosh, Becky, I’m so sorry. You have had a lot of loss. This is one of the only posts you’ve written where I just don’t know what to say. What was your reaction to all these events: was it screaming your head off? was it hiding in the bathroom to cry while hiding your emotions? I hate the saying ‘time heals’ because in so many times, it doesn’t. We just figure out how not to think about it, keep our selves busy, or just try to remember the good times.
Reactions vary all the time. But, time makes it easier to remember the fun actually.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Oh, Becky. I want to cry and rage along side you. I have been so, so fortunate to not yet have dealt with this personally. Apart from my father’s prostate cancer which is all but gone, we’ve not had this particular evil. We’ve had many others, and suffered loss. In my experience, there’s never an answer or a reason that makes any sense. The only “good” I’ve ever taken from any tragedy, is the hope that in sharing about it, others may feel less alone, more comforted, find something to help their own experience. That’s not always going to happen. But through sharing as you’ve done, you’ve already connected to others (which I can see in the other comments). I am so very sorry for your losses. I am thankful to know you now, even just virtually, and can tell that you are a gift to all you touch.
No need to cry Sue — rage maybe!
I do hope to try to connect in some way through this blog — sometimes I connect with different people for different reasons. Thank you for reading and commenting.
I pray you never need to put that armor back on, Becky. You and your family have had a hellacious few years as cancer first attacked, then destroyed the lives of your loved ones. I am so sorry for your losses and for those who also loved those you lost. Sometimes life just SUCKS and we don’t know why. I know we’re not supposed to ask why…but then, why not? Rage on against the things in this life that are unfair and horrible and sneaky and relentless in their effort to destroy what makes life beautiful.
Here here!!
Love your comment Laurette — thank you.
Sorry for your loss. I sometimes think that one way to battle cancer is to not let it destroy what it has left behind. The loss is felt EVERYDAY, nothing can change that, but fighting the bad feelings that come with it and not allowing them to take over and consume is a victory.
I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you for reading Terre — yes, there is victory in staying afloat and away from the constant badness of something like cancer.
Thanks for commenting!
Becky – I hear you. And I hate that you’ve had to deal with so much loss over this disease. It’s pure evil, I’ve decided… and it consumes too much of this world. I have had cancer, twice. I’m one of the lucky ones who beat it. But I cannot help but feel horrible… so much so that I wonder,why me? Why am I the lucky one? Why not your Dad? Or your Mom? Or your BIL? They did nothing to deserve it, nor did I. Life is hard and understanding does not come easy, if at all. I pray for your healing and lifelong armour against cancer.
Thank you for the read and comment!
Understanding does not come easily, you are right about that.
But how great that you have kicked its butt — twice even!
Oh, Becky, such a powerful post! I’m so sorry for the loss you had to go through so far in your life and am hopeful cancer stays out of the rest of your life.
A friend of mine just died Monday night after a very long, very difficult struggle, especially in the past two cruel weeks, with a rare form of leukemia.
Thank you for posting about this.
I’m so sorry for you to have lost your friend — what a terrible week for you.
Thank you for reading and sharing.
B. What a great post. I have faced cancer only once, with my grandmother. She had symptoms and her illness for so long, that by the time we were able to get her to the doctor, it had spread – everywhere. She was gone from us so quickly – good and bad people say, but I don’t think there is a good way for someone to leave you. I mean of course slow and painful is the worst, but quick and without the proper goodbyes, all the stories never told, questions never asked, things never done – that is heartbreaking as well. I told my mom if she did that to me (you might have guessed we are pretty close), if she hid an illness from me and waited to seek treatment until it was too late, I would never speak to her again. I remind her of that on occasion, when she’s not feeling well but wont see a doctor. I think I do this because a part of me, a good part of me that I want back, died with my grandmother, or went dormant from trauma, and I’ve been trying all of these years to summon that part of me back, but with no luck (so far). It may be gone, it may be that the part of ‘me’ was actually almost physically her. I don’t know, I’m sure this isn’t the sort of thing I should be writing about, but your post brought it all back for me. I hate cancer, I wish we could ‘fight’ it, but I don’t know that I believe those sayings. I think that everyone who has cancer, fights with all of their strength and will to beat it, some survive, some do not, but I don’t know how much of it is ‘fighting’ and how much is pure luck. I totally get that survivors should be proud, and happy and I am happy for them, but my grandmother was hands down the strongest, fiercest, kindest person I have ever met, she fought, but she lost – not because she didn’t fight hard enough but because cancer doesn’t give a crap, it will do what it will do, regardless. That is why I hate cancer, don’t understand it, and will join you in your world of make believe. xo
Thank you for sharing this c.
You said it all!
It can be too much to lose so many loved ones in such a short time period. I’m happy to see that you didn’t let it defeat you, Becky. {I would have been surprised if you had.} I learned a long time ago that life is NOT fair, being a good person does not guarantee one will not be given a shitty deal, and that the trauma ~ be it cancer, an accident, whatever took the loved one away from this world ~ can stay with us for years. But when we can remember the people we loved and lost, remember the happy times with them… that does provide some solace. The other important lesson for me is to make sure that I say “I love you” at every opportunity, so that when either they or I leave, they will have known without a doubt how much they meant to me.
I love you, B. *Hugs**Hugs**Hugs*
Yes! I think we really have to stop and think and step away from our own inhibitions and troubles and know that sometimes a simple gesture to a loved one will make all the difference — if not for them, then for you.