I’m mad. I’m angry. I’m pissed off.
Cancer is so strange. I don’t understand it. I don’t know why it exists or why is chooses the people it chooses or why it goes away or why it leaves families broken or why it leaves — I don’t understand it.
I’ve never had cancer. I don’t intend on getting cancer — does anyone? But cancer crawled silently into my life a few years ago when it took up residence in my fathers lung. We decided to give the lung to cancer but the selfish bastard decided to creep in to other organs and then decided to invite some friends over to wreak havoc on the remaining lung so my father was gone — just gone.
In the meantime, cancer decided to sneak in to the colon of my brother-in-law and force a surgery to save his life that went horrible wrong and left him a paraplegic. Then my brother-in-law was gone… 6 weeks after my father left — just gone, both of them.
The day after my brother-in-laws funeral, we took my mother to the emergency room where cancer was waiting like a spineless mugger… waiting in the shadows for a weak target. We kicked its ass for a bit then it decided to infiltrate her body at such a rate that all we could do was — nothing, we could do nothing. And then she too was gone — just gone.
It won’t leave us alone — it won’t leave me alone.
I hate watching those idiotic movies were that babbling whiner always asks what she did to deserve so many bad things, what she did to deserve to have the people she cared about leave, what she did… like cancer was targeting her — like she was the one being poked and prodded.
I don’t know what I did.
I don’t know why the people I care about leave.
I don’t understand cancer.
So for now, I wait… patiently. Maybe understanding will come. I’m battle weary. But I will put the armor back on if that’s what is needed, I will grab the facade and place it back in place if that’s what is needed, I will fight… if that’s what is needed. But until that time, I will assume the best, I will pretend cancer is a word that I’ve never heard — I like pretending.