Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go no where
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here, not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see?
I like listening to music. Actually, I like trying to figure out the lyrics and what they mean — what they mean to me anyway. I like this song by One Republic — “Stop and Stare.”
I was thinking about the week I’ve had. It’s been one of those weeks where you can’t wait for it to end — filled with emotion, only the open sunroof and an occasional favorite song on the radio helps you remember that each day eventually ends which of course leaves an opening for a new beginning — that’s when I heard this song. On a day that seemed to drain me emotionally. We all have days like that don’t we? When you long for it to start over — a re-do.
I wrote a post about rage not too long ago — this post isn’t necessarily about rage. Maybe just about the need to get pissed off every once in a while. I think being mad is good for you every now and then. We all get mad. We all have a need to let it out — to sing a favorite song at the top of your lungs, not caring about the people driving by.
I was scheduled to make a trip to Montana next weekend — a trip I’ve been planning for a while. A much-needed trip to spend time with the one person in this world that knows me and my history better than anyone (who didn’t have to share a bedroom with me growing up). She emailed Sunday night to say that the volcano erupting over Iceland was going to delay her arrival back in the states and therefore, wreak havoc on my meticulously planned trip. This was how my week started — a volcano… over Iceland.
I hurriedly changed weekends so that I was delaying my arrival to the following weekend — Mother’s Day. It didn’t dawn on me that this particular weekend was Mother’s Day, until today.
Last Mother’s Day was a blur to me. My mother had passed away shortly before the occasion. I always got her flowers and a card and we all usually gathered with her to celebrate. I went to her grave that day to check it and make sure the weeds weren’t taking over yet. I remember how hard it was to read her name and my father’s name on the marker — I turned my eyes away from the names so I didn’t have to see. It helped me pretend for a few minutes.
I had a slight tinge of guilt today when I realized I would be gone during the day on Mother’s Day. But then I decided it was ok. It’s Mother’s Day and I need to have time with my friend, I need to have time to be a person and not just a mother.
I’ve decided going to Montana to spend time with my friend is a great Mother’s Day present. I’ve decided that getting a little pissed off when you think you’re standing still instead of moving forward is ok. I’ve decided I’m not standing still. I’ve decided that doing something for yourself is good. I’ve decided that risking being mocked because you have a need to “breathe” is ok. I’ve decided…this is all worth it.
I’m playing around with some new looks for First Pages. Feel free to let me know what you think — good or bad. I love input!