I’m Not Drowning

I’m flooded but not drowning,

shifting my weight from side to side,

keeping my head steady so the small waves don’t pull me under.

The flood is fast approaching but me…

I stay level,

controlled,

bobbing and weaving.

But don’t look too close,

you’ll see the signs of the rising waters.

I’m flooded,

with these thoughts of hope.

These thoughts…

They live here, inside, all along.

Waiting for the right time to ease out from behind the levee.

But they never ease…

I’m flooded,

with these heart breaks that start small.

So small…

Then they grow and split and open wide up,

releasing the power of the still rising current.

But,

I’m not drowning.

I don’t need to be rescued,

Just a small piece of hope to cling to,

just a small piece of debris that broke free from the muck,

waiting for me to grab hold.

I’m flooded but not drowning,

I am my own hero,

There’s got to be some hero in me,

screaming to be heard above the rising of the waters,

“Bring my courage back!”

I’m tired of just clinging,

I want to swim in the churning waters,

I want to be swept away,

Because I know…

I’m not drowning.

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“Waiting for Superman…”

Dear Superman (or Batman or Awesomeoneman or what ever you go by these days),

Hi.

I wanted to write you a letter and introduce myself. I’ve been following your exploits for a while. Although, I guess being a superhero, it isn’t really called exploits… more like your job. Anyway, I’ve been going through some rough patches in life — nothing too bad… my house didn’t burn down, I haven’t been robbed, I have a good job. But still, life has a way of sometimes sneaking in some bad stuff just to keep us honest I guess. Life had been sneaking some bad stuff in on me lately. Now, I suppose when you get letters like this you are probably waiting for  ”the request”, I assume people ask you for things a lot. You’re a little like Santa Claus aren’t you — people contact you when they need you, when they want something, when life gets bad? I guess that makes you feel kind of used. Well, maybe not this time.

You see Batman (or was it Superman or Awesomeoneman?), I’ve been sitting around in my own mess waiting for you to show up. I was under the impression that you could sense trouble, you know, spidey senses. So, I didn’t reach out to anyone… I stayed here, surrounded by my own mess. It kept getting bigger and I kept thinking it would level off or disappear or at least hide away for a bit while I regrouped. It didn’t. So I kept sending out these signals hoping you’d pick up on them, you being a superhero and all. It didn’t work. Maybe your super senses are off these days. I’m sure it’s hard being a superhero, you have a lot of people who need you and look up to you and want to just be near you, so… you didn’t pick up on my signals I was sending. That’s okay. I think my signals were crossed anyway. So, while I was waiting for you, a few things happened.

I panicked. I cried. I screamed. I panicked, again. Then… I paused. I looked around to see there were some things I could do myself — some things that didn’t require a superhero. I made some phone calls and talked to some people and stepped out of my mess for short periods of time — it felt good to be out there, away from the mess. But still, I returned to it because I thought you were coming. I thought if I stayed in the mess long enough you would pick up on those signals. Now, Superman, don’t get me wrong, I’m not questioning your superhero status, but maybe you need to not advertise your superpowers so much if you’re still fine tuning them.

Anyway, I waited some more. I sent out a few more signals. I panicked less and I cried less and I stepped out of the mess more — it kept feeling good. Each time I came back to take my comfortable position in the middle of the mess, it wasn’t quite as comfortable. There was less and less mess for me to sit in the middle of — the mess was disappearing. Then I worried that without my mess, you would never know I needed you. How would you sense my signal if I was cleaning things up for my self?

I’m not saying my mess is completely gone, it’s not been that easy. The mess is still here, but it’s easier for me to look at it and decide how to approach it from out here. It’s easier for me to see that it’s not that big and it’s conquerable… from out here. I don’t cry as much when I’m not sitting in the middle of it.

It’s strange, Awesomeoneguy, when I stopped waiting for you to fix it all for me, when I stopped waiting for you to fly in and protect me from it all… I realized you weren’t coming, I realized it was up to me.

Which brings me to why I wrote you this letter. I wanted to tell you thank you. I know that’s probably strange and sounds completely weird — and to be perfectly honest, I’ve been really mad that you never showed up. But… when you never came, when you ignored all my signals, I had to “do”. And I did. I am. So thank you for that.

I’m still waiting for you, but for a different reason now. My mess is vanquishable. I’m taking the steps to ensure that, now I’m waiting for you to see me… outside of the mess. It looks different out here — I look different out here. I’m hoping one of your superpowers is the ability to open your eyes and see.

Sincerely,

Me (you’re a superhero, you know who I am… right?)

Super Rainbow Dork Girl

… And a song.

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Are They Born Or Are They Made? (…or Superhero Part III)

This seems like as good a time as any to look a little farther into this superhero thing. There seems to be a great deal of controversy as to whether superheros are born superheros or are they made in to superheros. (Ok, so maybe there’s really not a controversy but it makes for some excitement.) Superman — born. Spiderman — made. Batman — umm, actually I’m not sure (those crazy pointed ears!).

I hear stories very often about people who perform some great acts of heroism. Were they destined to be there, at that spot, at that given time, to perform whatever feat they performed? Was it a fluke? Did it all just happen?

I guess maybe the question is about destiny. Is it all pre-determined or do we get to have a say in it? I would think that even Christians would have to believe that possibly we have a say in it. Otherwise, why would we have been given the gift of “free will”?

I think it’s interesting to hear stories from people about times in their life when they felt broken or beat down or stuck. Hearing how people got up, how they walked away from the broken — makes for a good story. We all stumble and sometimes we even fall. But, it’s those of us that get up — you know, scrapped knees only hurt for a short time and bruises usually fade with time. Do superheros stumble?

There is an owl that lives in the woods across the street from my house. I’ve heard it hoot around 5:16 every morning for at least 10 months. I don’t know anything about owls — how long they live, how long do they nest in one place, why do they only hoot at 5:16am. I’m not sure if it’s the same owl — but I pretend it is. I have formed quite a relationship with this owl — although I’ve never seen her (I think she is a she). She wakes me up every morning. She talks to me in a calm demeanor. She is always there.

I’m not sure who else has heard my owl. My house is positioned so that I possibly could be her only friend. My kids have never heard my owl, their rooms are far away from mine. I have peered out my window on many mornings hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I try to follow her hoot so that I can pinpoint her location — I want to know what tree she is actually in. But, it’s been impossible so far. I’ve thought about going outside and following her hoot — but at 5:16 it’s sometimes dark, and sometimes cold, and sometimes lonely. I’m not sure she would be open to having a visitor to her woods.

Maybe if I had superpowers I could see her in the dark. Maybe if I had superpowers I wouldn’t be afraid to walk across the street to the darkened woods. Maybe…

So, are superheros made or are they born? Can you overcome your fears to find the powers that perhaps have been in you all along? Can you walk across the street to greet a friend that beckons you every morning? Maybe…

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