So this is what it’s like.
The dark so thick no glimmer of light can get in.
The air so stale my lungs lurch to escape the fumes.
The sign reads, “no train horn”.
My head hurts.
My eyes are blurry.
My heart sings with the questions that only clarity can answer.
So… Many… Questions.
A million ways I’ve asked.
A million ways I’ve tried to be heard.
A million ways I’ve tried to explain a piece of the my soul to you as if there could ever be an explanation that would shed light on the darkened path that we can sometimes travel if we allow ourselves to float freely down the rabbit hole.
So this is what it’s like.
Figuring out who you are through someone else’s eyes.
Their vision is so cloudy they stumble and fall on my mistakes.
The sign reads, “you are here”.
Looking for myself.
My finger scanning the map.
My mind wanders from place to beautiful place.
So… Many… Places.
Not pulling you back to the abyss we’ve already visited.
Never wanting to pull you back.
Pulling you back would mean I’m still there too looking for some dysfunctional company because that’s the only kind of friend who would crawl into the rabbit hole with you, a beautifully fucked up friend.
So this is what it’s like.
The tunnel you’ve been crawling through suddenly opens to a rocky shore.
The rocks are so jagged but on the other side is the sweet ebb and flow of breath.
The sign reads, “always becoming”.
A calm exhale.
Toxic thoughts pushed out by the salty ocean air.
So… Many… Thoughts.
Letting go of all the small things.
Blocking them from ever returning.
The small things grow into big things and those big things can pull you under, so far under that your lungs scream at you because you’re breathing through a straw so you turn away from the rabbit hole and you grasp the hand of that friend and you walk away and dip your toes in the cool ocean not afraid to look back.
Ah yes. Grabbing that hand of a friend and walking away from the rabbit hole gives such life to every step it’s impossible not to look back and say, “I was there. I’m glad I’m here now with you.”
Your writing is exquisite.
Thank you so much Louise!
I really wanted this to have a feeling of empowerment… realization.
after spending 2 days this week an utter sobbing mess.. so much so that I couldn’t go to work.. could not look another human in the eye without breaking into sobbs I cried.. I wondered my house…I cried.. I slept…I giggled.. I cried some more… and 48 hours later woke up my self again… something came in, and something wanted out.. I let it come.. like the waves of the tides..
breathe oh yes
stumble… this too shall pass
see the wonder
see the beauty
and know it flows from you
and thankfully in that knowing is the true
we are not our emotions.. and thoughts just flow throw us
out of the blue they come.. into the blue they go
like our breath
I came to thank you for your wonderful words.. and for you wonderful shine in the world :~) <3 hugs
Thank you for this… lovely. I believe you are absolutely right about emotions passing through us and then leaving, like breath. I know you’ve had a hard week — hugs to you my sweet friend.
June is exactly right. This too shall pass. Becky, hang on tight. You’ve been on such a long, rocky road for so long. You are a wonderful shine in the world. Know that. From all of your despair will come knowledge that will help others. My heart breaks for you and your deep sadness. Hang on Becky. Hang on tight.
This is what I love most about poetry and have always loved most, it can hold a different meaning to who ever is reading.
I think when I was writing this, I wanted to tell a story of triumph, specifically in 3 parts. The first being where the subject is on her last leg, a feeling of complete giving up. The second where she realizes her truth is hers alone and no one can see her truth better. The third where she rises up and leaves fear behind — or something like that.
ps — I kinda really love that you care about me.
Yes, it’s great to be able to grab that hand. Thank you for these wonderful words!
Thank you Estrella.
With a little help from my friends…
This is a lovely read. It’s so full of wondering and insecurity and then it sudden;y becomes aware of what is happening. The sinking down even further or, the choice to turn away from the darkness and take the hand of a true friend to help you too.
I hope you enter this as a poem about choices later today at the dversepoets site.
It is a perfect write for that prompt.
Thank you so much for this. I did put it on the link, thanks for the suggestion.
Yeah the stages come and great progression as you set the stages up, good choice to take the hand too.
Thanks Pat. Appreciate you being here!
that rabbit hole can be such a dark place…thankful for the ones willing to walk into it and walk us out you know….it means a lot as it is hard to get out by ourselves at times….some hard choices too that you have to make along the way…bren is right this will def nail the topic @dverse today…
Thanks Brian, I feel so lucky to have found you guys and the community at dverse.
So this is what it’s like.
Figuring out who you are through someone else’s eyes.
Their vision is so cloudy they stumble and fall on my mistakes.
The sign reads, “you are here”.
Looking for myself….there’s so much insecurity and struggle in that first part, the falling, the un-balance, the questions, the searching…but then the page changes and even though the way out seems not so easy, with the help of the friend, it works…and yeah…fits the topic perfectly…
Thank you so much Claudia. You are so encouraging, I’m so grateful to have you her.
Very hard – the breathing through a straw – ugh. So many difficult things one faces. k.
Thanks for stopping by.
Perfect! I think this is just fantastic Becky…
Yay! That means so much coming from you! Thank you Tash.
The tunnel you’ve been crawling through suddenly opens to a rocky shore.
The rocks are so jagged but on the other side is the sweet ebb and flow of breath.
The sign reads, “always becoming”.
A calm exhale.
Toxic thoughts pushed out by the salty ocean air.
So… Many… Thoughts.
Letting go of all the small things.
Blocking them from ever returning.
… I especially love that.
Thanks Laurie. That was different the first time I jotted it down, then found those words.
Life truly can sometimes be like “Breathing Through a Straw”…
Yes… it can. Thank you so much!
Three distinct parts here–anxiety and pain, introspection and reflection, and a strong resolution of all the angst at the end where the narrator grows out through the experience into a different place. And it is indeed all about choice. Enjoyed it, Becky.
Thank you thank you! I really set out to tell a distinct story with this one, which I never do, I’m glad for your words!
This read like a flow of consciousness – sometimes it’s good to step outside and look through another’s eyes ….
Yes, I totally agree. I heard once that you should watch your kids play “house”, it could tell you a lot about who you are.
Thank you for being here, love to see you.
Difficult journey–felt the smother of panic and then the “exhale”–wonderful!
Thank you for this!
Hello… rich powerful thoughts… empowering and so full of life-won awareness.
Enjoyed this very much.
http://sharonlee-gatheredinthoughts.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/walking-enlightenment-road.html
Thank you for finding me and for leaving such nice words!
It’s fascinating to imagine who we are through the eyes of others… I wonder if we would agree with others perceptions or run a mile from who they think we are?!
Exactly!
I wonder that too, I think it’s good to have those thoughts — keeps us focused on kindness, I think anyway.
The sign reads, “you are here”.
Looking for myself.
My finger scanning the map.
I recognise this moment in the search for self. It resonates with me – as does the whole poem. It is well conceived and beautifully executed. Well done, indeed.
Thank you so much.
You have put a big smile on my face as I begin this day.
life has it’s ups and downs, it’s a matter of how we react to it, try to react to it, as you say with a smile on your face. they say that helps.
Princess Vadar
Yes… exactly. Thank you.
What a journey, what a friggin journey. Sometimes, that effin rabbit hole wont let us go. Thank who, God? Nah, thank damned good friends for sometimes hanging on for dear life when it would be easier to let go.
Yes… that damned rabbit hole.
Thank you so much for these words. Very grateful.
Whoa – what a powerful, poignant piece … as one who has spiralled down the old rabbit hole more times than it’s fit to count or straddled the abyss too often to recall, I relate to this big time … you have captured the essence of this crazy-making journey with such authenticity, I am humbled; it reminds me of work like “To Bedlam and Back” – I think by Anne Sexton but could be wrong … in any event, your writing rocks so I hope you keep doing it …
http://thepoet-tree-house.blogspot.ca/2012/06/choices-or-illusion-of-same.html
I’m so humbled by your response.
I have a huge smile right now, thank you.
Inspiring – you have a way of writing about the struggle of becoming who you are that is entertaining and affecting. I always identify with that person you describe – that better person that I can/ must be. The imagery here was fantastic and I pictured this in my mind as a great little video. At the end I love how you walk away, with no lingering desire to walk back. Hugs and kisses for you. – Mosk
Thanks Mosk!
This is one that I started a month ago and kept coming back to it when I had something else to say.
oh, i LOVE that! “always becoming” i don’t ever want to be “finished” until i am no more.
love you!
♥
Thank you Dani!